Cracks in the Wall
by KonoBeat
Summary: Psyche and Izaya are very close twins. But lately, Izaya has been a little jealous because his crush is in love with his twin. Can their relationship stay as close as it was? Or will the cracks in the wall overwhelm them? Shizaya TsuPsy
1. Prologue

Whaa! My first fanfic...s-sorry if this sucks. ^^; I haven't written in forever...so I'm hoping this isn't too bad. Ratings will probably go up in later chapters.

Disclaimer: I do not own DRRR...sadly. :C

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

_**Izaya's POV**_

When we were kids, our mother used to read a story book to us every night before bed. I didn't think much of it back then, but now the words chime in my head like the most persistent bell.

The book was about how we're all born. I guess you could call it an alternate, more intricate version of the stork. Instead of a stork, an angel visited us when we were just little eggs. The angel would ask us all sorts of questions. "What color would you like your eyes?" "What will your favorite food be?" "Do you want to be strong?" "Do you want to be smart?" As we answered the questions, our eggs began to take the form of who we would become. The first things that would appear would be one's arms, legs, and head. Next would come all our facial features.

As we answered the questions, we were also prompted to give reasons as to why we wanted to look and act the way we chose. One child said he wanted eyes filled with tears, so he could cry for those he loved. Another child wanted muscles for the strength to protect everyone around him. The angel would grant each child their wish, and when it was all said and done, the child would be presented an image of what they would be like as an adult. Whether the child liked it or not, they couldn't take back any decision they had made. I always thought that part was kind of cruel. What if you didn't like who you would be?

The angel then says some silly little incantation, and the child falls asleep. It conveniently forgets its meeting with the angel, and when the child wakes up, it is in the arms of his or her mother.

Of course, I could never believe a foolish tale like that. Even then as a child, I was a little too smart for my own good. But sometimes I wondered if me and Psyche, at that time, were standing next to each other, our eggs contemplating what we would look like. Did we decide to have the same face? Was it our choice to be mirror images of the other, yet be completely different? At times, it seemed almost likely that this was the case.

We grew up in the same environment. Rarely ever were we separated. And yet somehow we ended up complete opposites. I was the smart twin. He was the happy twin. That's just how things were between us.

Sometimes I wondered, as if the story was real, why we choose to be this way. Why did I want to be so smart? Why did he want to be so kind?

I always ended up laughing and cursing at myself for having such ridiculous thoughts. But even now, I could never understand why we were so different.

Now some would say that I was the lucky twin. I had perfect grades. I could talk my way out of almost any situation. I could twist words and make people turn against each other. I could make two people fall in love, and be the cause of their break up a week later. With quick words and a fake grin I could have the whole world believing that the earth really was flat. I had a gift for manipulation, and I did an even better job at making humans fear and despise me. With such a gift, I should have been the one on top.

But now I know that isn't true at all. Psyche was all sugar and rainbows. I could trick and scheme my way into anyone's heart, but all he'd have to do was smile that angelic smile of his and they'd instantly fall into his spell. If people loved me, they found themselves loving him even more.

It wasn't fair, really. I was the one who could be successful. I knew I could run my own business if I wanted to, and I wasn't even out of high school yet. But no, our parents still preferred him to me. Our sisters practically worshiped him. Everyone who had ever met the boy, loved him almost instantly. And the worst part is, I loved him just as much as them, if not more.

Maybe the reason I loved Psyche so much was because I knew I was his number one. People could fawn over him and love him all they wanted, but he admired me the most. I was the one most important to him. Some sick, twisted part of me absolutely loved it. I bathed in the fact that the most adored child in Ikebukuro would jump off a cliff if I just asked. I had a lot of power over a lot of people, but Psyche was the one who I knew I could fully control.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a complete ass. I did love my brother, and would never think of telling him to harm himself for my own amusement. Not now, anyway. Believe it or not, Orihara Izaya does have a heart in there. Somewhere. And Psyche and I had this impenetrable wall around us. No matter who or what came into our lives, that wall kept us together and brought us closer and closer until we practically suffocated each other with affection.

Since Psyche was the only one who truly loved me, I treated him much better than I did the other kids. Actually, even now I treat him better than most. But things have changed. A lot has changed. Cracks had appeared in our wall, and I'm sure he didn't notice them. I didn't even notice them until it was too late.

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><p>The first, and most powerful crack appeared in the form of blonde hair.<p>

It was the most ridiculous thing in the world. Our younger twin sisters had just turned 6, and our parents were still elated over the "luck" of having two sets of twins. We had just moved to Ikebukuro from Shinjuku, and our new neighbor's had told our parents about a, get this, _twins _convention. As usual, Psyche was jumping up in down like a rabbit on a caffeine high. For me, 12 years old was just a little too old to be getting into something like this.

After a quick look around, our parents took our sisters to some panel and let me and my brother loose on the convention floor. It was creepy as hell. I love people, I really do. But to see so many duplicates running around was just... _nauseating._ Most of them were dressed exactly alike, and some even moved or talked in sync. Suddenly I was very grateful to our parents for not thinking to dress us up in identical clothing.

Psyche was wearing a white t-shirt with the images of little _pink_ bunnies playing around the hem of the shirt. His pants were also that atrocious shade of _pink_, with his _pink_ mp3 player sticking out of his pocket. Connected to the mp3 player was his signature pair of headphones which, you guessed it, were also pink and white.

Bet you can't guess what his favorite color is.

The headphones were actually a gift I got him not too long ago. Psyche was into music, and was a really talented singer and songwriter for his age. With the face and voice of an angel, he was rather popular.

Unfortunately for my parents, I had decided to dress a bit differently. A simple red top and black pair of jeans, in fact. I didn't stand out as much as my twin, but at least I didn't look like trash either.

I followed him around as he bounced from events to games to people. He chattered with almost everyone he came across. With a smile on his face he introduced me to his new friends before showing off those headphones that he loved so much. I couldn't help but grin over the fact that he loved my gift.

But I was getting bored.

Very. Very. Bored. This whole con deal wasn't really my thing. I was hoping for a little excitement.

As luck would have it, it wasn't long before I got that wish.

It started with a heart stopping screech. Followed by the sound of something ripping. Which was followed by the sound of something crashing and then screaming. That scream was followed by a chorus of yells and cries. People started running in the opposite direction of a particular room.

I was suddenly very fascinated, my curiosity peeking with the turmoil. After all, anything that could get my beloved humans in such an uproar _must _be more interesting then watching a bunch of doppelgangers.

If I could turn back time, I would have instead chosen to follow the crowd. But what good would it have done?

Psyche was tugging at my shirt, trying to get me to follow the others away from the scene. But I would have none of that. Fingering the switchblade I kept with me in my pocket, I casually started walking towards the cause of the event. I didn't have to look to know that Psyche was right behind me.

As I entered the room, I noticed that it was some sort of karaoke event. Or at least, it was. Pinned to the wall of the room were two twin boys crushed by a expensive looking karaoke machine. It was actually pretty funny as they both were in similar positions and had the same expression of fear and pain on their faces. Figures.

I followed their panic-stricken eyes to the other side of the room and was met with amber hues that were practically radiating anger. That was where I had first seen the boy who would one day be known as the Monster of Ikebukuro.

He was blonde with eyes almost golden, dressed in a white button-down dress shirt, with black slacks underneath. Behind him was a boy dressed similar, but his eyes were a deep ocean blue that were surprisingly calm considering the situation. The more passive boy seemed used to these occurrences.

The angry looking twin decided that being crushed by a karaoke machine wasn't nearly enough. Without hesitation he grabbed a long wooden table that was sitting in front of the stage and lifted it over his head as if it was made out of feathers.

I felt Psyche press against me, trembling in fear. I was shaking too, but it sure as hell wasn't from fear. I can remember how my heart was trying to beat itself out of my chest. I can also remember not being able to contain the elated grin that spread across my face.

The immensely powerful blonde haired demon threw the table across the room with such forced that the two boys were completely buried into the wall. Noticing that the twins were completely unconscious, the calmer blonde quickly reached for his insane brother's wrist. At first the boy looked like he would snap and attack his sibling instead, but once he noticed who it was his expression quickly melted into one of Mortification. The monster frowned and stared back at his brother, the air around him going from intense to guilty.

The blue eyed teen gave his twin a soft smile, and the atmosphere in the room seemed to calm itself as well. I could feel Psyche relaxing against my back, but he was still trembling lightly. He was still scared.

I sighed a bit at his cowardice, and took a few steps towards the others. Psyche gave out a small whimper of concern which, in the deathly quiet room, had the same effect of a hammer banging against a piece of metal. The two blondes jumped in surprise at the sound and snapped their heads over in our direction.

I gave them the most _charming _grin as I approached, locking my eyes with those of the violent one. "Nice show."

Angry-blonde's eyes narrowed and I noticed how his body tensed deliciously in response to my taunt. "It wasn't one." He said sternly, clenching his fists until his knuckles turned white.

"Well!" I chuckled lightly, tilting my head to the side in an innocent gesture. "Could have fooled me. It was quite entertaining to watch, Goldie-locks."

The boy let out a sound that sounded like a growl. I grasped at the knife in my pocket, preparing to dodge whatever he would throw at me. My blood was already boiling, and I was aching for a fight. To see that unbelievable strength first hand...

"I-Iza-nii!" Psyche was panicking now. The boy looked over to my brother's fearful expression.

To my surprise, Psyche actually had the courage to step in front of me. He tried to look at the blonde boy, but his fear was too evident. His face seemed more pleading than intimidating, which is what I was pretty sure he was going for.

Of course, no one could be mad at a face like that. Blondie's eyes softened and, after sending me a hateful glare, he looked back at my brother and apologized.

"Didn't mean to scare you..." His voice sounded extremely soft, like talking to a frightened kitten. It was completely different then his threatening voice from before. At that moment, I felt a small lick of irritation. How dare such a monster speak as if it were human.

The silent brother, that I almost for was present, stepped over to Psyche and placed a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him down. Though he didn't speak, his very presence seemed to help Psyche relax. Once he saw that the brothers meant no harm, he gave them one of those sweet, sugar-coated, smiles. His fear was evidently forgotten as he stuck both his hands out for the two to shake.

"Nice to meet you!" He said, grinning. The boys gave him comical looks of surprise. After all, this blonde kid was about to attempt to knock my lights out and now we're exchanging greetings?

That's just how Psyche was. He could never stay sad, angry, or scared for too long. And no matter who he was just talking to, or what kind of situation he was in, he always tried to make friends with everyone.

Hesitantly, the calm blonde reached out his hand and took Psyche's. "Nice to meet you too." He said simply, and then looked at the other blonde to do the same.

"..." He seemed speechless, but slowly took Psyche's hand in his.

Psyche looked pleased, and shook both their hands simultaneously before introducing himself. "My name's Psyche!" He smiled some more and looked at them expectantly.

"Tsugaru." The calm one seemed intrigued as he stared at Psyche, smiling slightly at his gentle expression.

The twin looked a bit nervous as his gaze drifted between me, Tsugaru, and Psyche, and then he finally let out a slow breathe and spoke. "S-Shizuo."

Giggling, happy to see the two boys respond, Psyche reached back and grabbed my hand, pulling me forward. "Iza-nii, introduce yourself!"

I was going to argue that he had been introducing me himself to everyone at the convention, but his hopeful smile stopped me from saying anything. I let out a tiresome sigh before letting my face fall into a confident smirk. "Izaya."

Shizuo looked like he was getting irritated again. He _really _couldn't stand my face for some reason. Realizing his discomfort, Psyche quickly stole their attention by asking them hundreds of questions. It was strange since he seemed to be more interested in these two than he was with the others we had spoken to throughout the day.

Of course, I didn't stay silent long either and quickly got into a habit of provoking the blonde monster named Shizuo. I don't know what started it, even now I don't really know, but I enjoyed pissing him off back then. I found his angry expressions interesting as there was something absolutely primal about them. Above that, I wanted to know the reason for his abnormal strength.

I didn't have to wait long to find out. Psyche had popped the question, and I almost thought that Shizuo would get mad at him for being so upfront about it. After all, it was pretty personal.

But the two boys were already attached to the pink-eyed freak. Another thing about Psyche is he was extremely easy to trust, and many people would open up to him even before they had really gotten to know him.

Shizuo calmly explained his lack of control over his strength. And went on about his even worse control over his emotions. He said that both Tsugaru and his youngest brother, Kasuka, had calm personalities, all because he set a 'bad example' for them.

Psyche, being the emotional little boy he was, got teary-eyed and practically jumped Shizuo into a hug. Shizuo's eyes widened in shock, surprised that instead of being afraid of him, Psyche actually felt bad for him. Shizuo soon relaxed, his arms wrapping around the smaller boy. He smiled sweetly at him, and even gave him a small 'thank you.'

That was probably the first time I was ever jealous of my brother, and I didn't even know it back then. It was the first crack, and biggest one at that. Back then it wasn't much, but now...now things have changed. Maybe it started off as a crush...or maybe it was just an admiration for that amazing strength. I don't know. But now it's evolved into something much worse. Something that's been eating away at me ever since I had the courage to admit to myself what I was really feeling.

If I could turn back time, I would have never approached Shizuo. I wouldn't even come into the Karaoke room. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't have even gone to the convention to begin with!

I would do anything to stop myself from meeting Heiwajima Shizuo, and thus, falling in love with the boy who fell in love with my twin.

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><p>Ne, so that wasn't too bad, right? I would greatly appreciate some reviews. C: Constructive criticism would be awesome...I want to continue this but I don't want to mess up! Anyhoo, thanks for reading if you got this far. You are automatically awesome. Yes.<p> 


	2. Past and Present  Cat and Dog

I managed to finish a new chapter! Yay! Thanks to the reviewers of the last. I'm sorry the rating went up already...Dx

I now have an idea of how this story will be. Right now, it's going to focus on Izaya. The first few chapters will be flashbacks...sorry? Dx I know that sounds bad.. Anyways, after a certain point it's going to start focusing on the other characters. C: There will most like be some Shikizaya, as well as some heavy twincest...just to warn you guys, kay? And also, for those that haven't read the novel...I may be making references to it and using characters that haven't appeared in the anime. If you want more info on anyone, just say so in a review/PM and I'll give an explanation in an AN later.

Lastly, this story is AUish. Meaning it's set in the same universe but under different circumstances. That's why ages are so different. Hope that doesn't bother anyone too much. D:

Chat names are at the bottom AN for those who don't know who's who. :3

_Edit: Edited this chapter. Got rid of some typos~_

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><p><strong>Izaya's POV<strong>

I love humans. They are the most interesting and complicated life form on earth. I love how driven they are by emotions. How almost every action is based off of their morals and feelings. For sweet emotions like love or friendship, they could commit great evils, killing or betraying those who trust them. They can hate and bare grudges over the most minuscule things. At the same time, these exact feelings can cause them to commit great acts of kindness.

I love how humans aren't black and white. In reality, there is no good or evil. Humans have so many reasons for the things they do. Just because someone may seem righteous, doesn't mean they do not have more selfish intentions. And just because someone has done something deemed 'evil' doesn't mean they've done it without good intentions, even if those intentions make little sense to those around them.

The thought of humanity makes my heart race. I love observing them. I love controlling them. Fucking with their lives as if they were my own personal dolls, I never got tired of it. They were so easy to manipulate, so easy to figure out, and even easier to win over.

I used to think I was in love with humans. But my feelings for humans are more on par with what you would feel for you favorite hobby or a toy you just can't get rid of. Yes, my 'love' did borderline on obsession, but it wasn't like being 'in love'.

This became painfully obvious when I did fall in love. And it had to be with the only human being I couldn't predict. The only one who exceeded my expectations. The one person I couldn't win over. A human who was barely human.

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><p>High school is a prime place to observe my beloved humans, which is where I was then. Raira was a fairly new private school here, and had gotten increasingly hard to get into in the past few years. Luckily, both me and Psyche were able to attend. This was actually somewhat of a surprise. Heh, my dear brother isn't the smartest apple in the bunch. Not at all. In fact, he was pretty damn slow compared to me.<p>

The pink-eyed boy walked beside me, his signature smile gracing his face. Although it wasn't required, he still wore his Raira uniform, and as usual his pink headphones were wrapped around his neck. He was singing along to whatever song that was playing. Some sugary-sweet pop single which would give you cavities just listening to it.

It was the first day of the new school year, and many students were exchanging heart-felt greetings after being apart for so long. Well, chances are a lot of them did hang out over the break, but the first day of school always made you feel like you haven't seen your friends for months. Anyways, Psyche received some from many of the students while my 'followers' sent me all sorts of praises. I couldn't tell if I was happy to be back or not.

As he acknowledged the other students who were greeting him warmly, his eyes glanced around each person, looking for the two blondes who we had been 'friends' with for the past few years. _Of course_ that's the first thing he would be looking for. I guess I was looking for them too. It wouldn't be the first day of school without the little bit of excitement that I knew Shizu-chan and I would bring.

The two tall blondes weren't hard to spot, and when Psyche's eyes landed on Shizuo and Tsugaru, his grin instantly widened as he proceeded to prance over to them.

"Shizuo-san! Tsu-san!" His sweet, melodic voice instantly drew their attention and he embraced both of them in a hug. "I missed you guys so much!" He practically sang the words, beaming up at them.

Tsugaru sighed lightly and patted Psyche's head, giving him a soft smile and staring down at him fondly. "We just saw each other last week, Psyche." The smile gave way to a quick smirk as he spoke. At this, my brother pouted, sticking his tongue out playfully as he let go of the two brothers. He grinned at them and fingered his headphones with a small blush.

"Still missed you."

Shizuo made his presence known by chuckling at the exchange and ruffling Psyche's hair playfully. "Hey, Psyche." He greeted warmly, cheeks slightly blushing as he stared down at Psyche's innocent face. And there came the familiar sting of jealousy ripping through my chest. The burn that I had grown to hate so much over the years. There was no way I was going to let Psyche have all the attention.

Wearing my most cunning smirk I skipped over to Shizuo. I tackled him into a hug, imitating Psyche's greeting. His muscles immediately grew tense with the contact.

"Oh Shizu-chan! I haven't seen you in forever!" I bounced on the balls of my feet a bit and winked up at him. "Miss me?"

The grin he was giving Psyche was replaced with a frown as he attempted to push me away. "Get off, flea!" I backed up a bit, frowning at the rejection that I knew was going to happen anyway. Still hurt, but some things you just got used to.

"Shizu-chan is so mean~" I purred, pouting like Psyche was not too long ago. "I just wanted to say hello." I gave him a mockingly sweet grin. "Not that I expect a brute like you to return such a nice gesture."

He growled and clenched his fist before attempting to punch me in the face. I was prepared and dodged it effortlessly, drifting off to the side and watching him fly passed as he missed me. He stumbled over his own feet before turning and giving me one of those enraged glares.

Ah, didn't take much to set him off today. Good.

Psyche sighed lightly, and watched as the other students began to back away. The upperclassmen already knew what was coming next and hurried off to their respective classrooms to avoid being hit by any flying projectiles that would be sailing through the air at any minute, and to avoid being used as a weapon as well. The newer students wore looks of confusion and were caught in between making a run for it or watching what would happen next.

Those new students were about to be treated to a wonderful show, one of which they'd better learn from.

Shizuo's eyes narrowed into almost slits, a slow rage building in them as he continued to stare at me. "Izaaayaaaa-kuuuun..." The mantra that normally signified future destruction of public property sent visible chills down the spines of our peers. I only smirked.

He reached over and grabbed the closest thing, a trash can, and hurled it in my direction. My grin widened as I swiftly moved out of the way so that, instead of hitting myself, it hit some poor underclassman who was just so unfortunate to be standing behind me. One of the first lessons students learned here at Raira was when Shizu-chan and I were within 10 feet of each other, don't be an idiot. If you're going to watch, watch at a safe distance. This could save your life.

Twenty minutes until class started. Perfect time for our little game of cat and dog.

Smiling, I bolted down the hallway, heading out the door, deciding that our first fight of the school year would be way more interesting where there was open space to run around. As expected, he was right behind me. As soon as he got outside, he ripped a water fountain from the concrete and sent it flying towards my head. With a laugh I jumped and grabbed onto a windowsill on the school building. After sending a small wave to the alarmed students who looked through the window, I swiftly made my way onto the roof of the building.

"Get back here, damn flea!" Music to my ears. It wasn't long before I was on the roof and out of sight, glancing down to see Shizu-chan clumsily climbing his way up before I disappeared further onto the roof.

Around 10 years old I started to learn the art of parkour. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing, but I quickly found myself in love with the discipline.

Parkour gave me the feeling of freedom. Once I started to master it, I felt like there was nothing in the world that could get in my way. I also liked to pretend I was a ninja, but I won't get into that. Point is, Parkour defined a lot about who I was. After all, I love being in control and having unlimited freedom.

Although I had mastered the art at an early age, it didn't become useful until around the time I turned 13. It was at that time that I had first acknowledged my feelings for Shizuo.

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><p><strong>About 5 years ago<strong>_  
><em>

_It was dark, the only source of light being the moon that shined through the windows and reflected across silk sheets. I was clutching at those sheets, panting and gasping as I felt two large hands roll down my abdomen, slowly leaving trails of fire wherever they touched. My eyes screwed shut as I tried to hold in whatever embarrassing noises that threatened to erupt behind my sore lips, which were throbbing from the rough treatment by his merciless fangs. _

_A dark laugh and the flick of the tongue against a pert nipple made my breath hitch in my throat. My eyes shot open to glare upon a mess of blonde hair just in time to see the devilish tongue travel lower, stopping every now and then to suck and nip across my flushed skin. Hands that were once resting on my hips moved to rub torturous circles on my inner thighs, teasing me every now and then by brushing knuckles against my growing need. _

"_Shizu-chan..." I winced hearing the pleading tone in my voice, hoping he didn't notice the desperation that was laced into those words. Unfortunately, he did. He sent me a mocking grin and proceeded to trail his fingers just a bit closer to my twitching member, licking his lips in a way that made me whimper like a bitch in heat._

_I felt helpless, a feeling that I would never get used to. How could I let myself fall so low...? How could I let myself be controlled like this? This weak feeling wasn't anything like me. I should be in control. I should be the one wh-_

"_AH!" I gasped and arched my back, shutting my eyes once again as I felt something wet brush against my cock. Another dark chuckle filled the air and I once again opened my eyes, this time to give a weak glare in the blonde's direction. He sent me a smirk, a playful glint in his eyes, and he descended down on-_

_CRASH_

_I was jerked out of my dream when I suddenly rolled off the bed, smashing my head against the nightstand. I yelled, not caring that my siblings could probably hear me through the walls. Groaning slightly I sat up, only to be hit with another, more annoying, problem..._

_I cursed again, quickly standing and discarding my soiled sheets. Of course the dream was to blame for such a mess. I frowned at the way-too-obvious tent in the pajamas and made my way over to the bathroom, stumbling over random objects along the way.  
><em>

_This wasn't the first dream, and I was beginning to doubt that there would be a last. At first, I thought it was just hormones. I was a teenager after all, wet dreams weren't uncommon. But for each and every single one of them to involve the same person..._

_I groaned in frustration and I turned on the cold water, watching it shoot out of the shower head before I decided to hop in, almost forgetting to take off my clothes in the process. I hissed slightly when the ice cold liquid started to beat onto my skin. While it took care of the lower problem, my heart was still frantically dancing around in my chest. _

_I sighed inwardly. I wasn't stupid. Far from it. And I spent hours studying humans and their emotions. Books and observations have made me an expert at identifying human emotions, including my own. I shivered, not entirely because of the cold water, and shut my eyes, biting my lip as images from the most recent dream flashed in my mind._

_I wasn't stupid. And I wasn't one to deny things that I knew were true either. _

_I've been trying to avoid the fact for months. It's not like I really would have a chance. That protozoan monster was completely infatuated with my brother, even though it's only been a year since we met. He...hated me. I couldn't really blame him...but still._

_That hate never really bothered me until I realized just how much I cared for that idiot. I didn't think it was love, not yet. But it was definitely something. _

_While I could identify emotions easily, I had a hard time knowing how to handle them when it came to my own. What was I going to do about this? There was no way I could confess. He'd just laugh and throw a bookcase at my head. I had deemed the feelings unrequited as soon as I had figured them out._

_I knew what I wanted to do. I just wasn't sure if it was possible at this point. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to force this painful burn from my chest. I wanted to get those stupid images out of my head and continue on with life. I didn't want to fall for him. But I was beginning to fear that soon, it would be too late. _

_Gritting my teeth in irritation, I turned off the cold water and grabbed a towel to dry myself off as I stepped out of the shower, wrapping the towel around my waist. I looked in the mirror and saw how my face was contorted into a look of despair. It shocked me. I bit my lip in an attempt to calm down and reached for the doorknob to let myself out._

_I froze after opening the door, all irritation leaving my features as I looked at the pink-eyed boy standing in my room. He looked at me nervously, biting his lip and sending me worried glances. As I figured, he probably heard the commotion from this morning and came straight in to check on me._

_Typical Psyche..._

_Smiling with one of my infamous and impenetrable masks, I stepped over to him confidently as if nothing was wrong. "Morning, dear brother." My voice held no hint of the stinging sensation that threatened to rip my heart into two. Looking at him these days hurt almost as much as the dreams._

_Fooled by my mask, his face instantly erupted into a grin as he preceded to wrap his arms around me in a loving embrace. "Morning, Iza-nii." He looked at me with those innocent candy-coated eyes. "I heard you yell this morning...Are you okay?" I saw the slightest hint of worry in his eyes, and couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty that I made him feel this way. Only HE could make me feel guilty. Of course._

_Laughing my not-so-crazy laugh I pointed over to the bed with a smirk. "Fell out of the bed. I'm fine though." This explanation seemed to please the other raven and I sighed with relief over the fact that he wasn't going to implore any further. He bounced over to the nightstand to look at my phone which I used as both an alarm and a clock. _

"_Ah. It's almost time for everyone to get up anyways..." He pouted slightly, probably wanting to go back to sleep. I stepped over and grabbed my phone to turn off the alarm. _

"_Go get ready for school, Psyche." I watched him smile and nod before he made his way out of my room. As soon as he shut the door, I let my mask fall and scowled at the bed. Is it really possible to love someone so much and feel so utterly bitter towards them at the same time...?_

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><p><em>The middle school was buzzing with activity as we entered. Psyche was going on about some new cartoon he had been watching on TV while my eyes flicked around cautiously through the crowd, heart almost stopping when I noticed the twin heads of bleached hair that were making their way over to us. As usual, the two almost completely disregarded my presence and instead went straight to fawning over my twin.<em>

"_Psyche-Chan!" Shizuo was smiling that rare and addictive smile of his as his gaze rested on Psyche, his amber eyes dancing with warmth. I felt my heart give a painful lurch at that, and even felt a bit nauseous from the sensation..._

_Psyche's eyes were lit with overwhelming glee and he went to hug the two, smiling up at them sweetly and so damn clueless about how they felt about him._

_I wondered if the twins ever fought over Psyche..._

_As they began to chat, I watched intently, silently studing their expressions. I found myself growing more and more enraged from...everything! The jealousy, the pain of knowing that this feeling wasn't going to go away, and the frustration with realizing that there was nothing I could do about it. It was going to get worse over time, and I knew I wouldn't be able to pull myself away as it happened. The hopelessness latched itself around my throat and the hatred was making my eyes sting..._

_I was never really good at dealing with my emotions, despite what everyone thought.  
><em>

_I knew I couldn't win him over. Not when he looked at Psyche like he was the only person in the world. I knew Shizu-chan would never return my feelings. I wanted, so bad, to stop myself from falling into this hole that I knew would consume me if I dove too far in..._

_So I did the only thing I could think of. The only thing that seemed to lessen the ache, the burn..._

_Shizu-chan hugged my brother close, and I felt the comfortably devious smirk spread across my face, the mask of both indifference and amusement tore away at the pain that was probably evident not too long ago._

"_Why, Shizu-chan!" I started, noticing eyes that were instantly jerked in my direction. People were used to me causing a scene. "I didn't know you were into boys... let alone my dear sweet twin." I grinned triumphantly when I saw the look of horror that flashed across his face, which was quickly replaced by anger._

_I giggled, smiling like a child that had found their favorite treat. "Well, I guess it's only natural." I strolled over to them, basking in the curious looks being sent our way. "You're at that age now... I bet you can't wait to stick that hard rod into his ass, right?" I heard the gasps, and saw, from the corner of my eye, Psyche's jaw drop in shock. Shizu-chan seemed to stop breathing as he clenched and unclenched his fists. _

_I knew I should stop. I knew that I was only speaking out of pure anger, but my mouth kept moving and my mind was somewhere else entirely. "I bet you think about it every night, hm? Beating off to the thought of-" I was interrupted by a fist burying itself into my left eye, sending me flying into a group of lockers. My back crashed into the metal, the force denting it and probably ruining some poor kid's school materials. I hissed slightly in pain and glanced up at Shizu-chan's furious gaze that bled both hatred and embarrassment._

"_WHAT THE FUCK, LOUSE!" He yelled, stomping over and picking me up by the collar of my shirt. At first I just stared at that expression mirroring his with one of indifference, but my body was feeling opposite. I felt so frustrated, so angry, so bitter, like my heart was made of glass that was breaking and tearing at my insides. It hurt. _

_But that hurt...I saw it in him too as he glanced around. He saw the frightened looks. He saw how Psyche shrunk away from his uncontrollable anger as well as his brother's disappointed gaze. He tried hard to control that inhumane strength that he was 'blessed' with. And most of the time, he did a pretty good job at it. No one ever thought to provoke him, and those close to him knew that he would do his best not to lose his temper around them._

_His head turned and his eyes locked with mine, the turmoil so deliciously obvious on that handsome face._

_I broke out into a grin. That venom in his gaze, the monster that threatened to surface... As painful as it was, I couldn't help but feel pleased at the same time. Right at that moment, he only had eyes for me. Yeah, they were eyes of complete abhorrence, but at least he was looking at me. At least he wasn't thinking about Psyche. _

_I felt my heart leap at the thought that I was the only one that could make him feel this way. That I was the only one that could bring out this monster in him he tried so hard to hide. No, it wasn't a good thing most likely. But it was nice...to know that I was the only something to him. _

"_Heh...heh..." I felt my shoulders shaking at my foolishness, and my stomach turning in both delight and anguish. If I was going to fall for him, I would make him suffer as much as I did. I would break him as I was broken. "Hahah!" I felt the laughter bubbling up from my chest, a madness that wasn't too uncommon for those that knew me. I did try to stop, but gave up when Shizu-chan's look of confusion only made me laugh harder. _

_He dropped me, looking at me uncertainty before clenching his fists. "Izaya..." He started, grabbing one of the nearby lockers and attempting to use it as a bat against my head._

_I was prepared this time and quickly jumped out of the way, surprising those around me by smoothly landing on top of the stable lockers not to far from the destroyed ones. I saw the murderous blonde grip his new weapon in shaking hands and I gave him a taunting look, smiling at him sweetly as I quickly ran for the door with him hot on my trail._

_And thus, our game of cat and dog had begun._

* * *

><p><strong>Present Time<em><br>_**

_Tanaka Taro has just joined the chat._

_Bakyura has just joined the chat._

_Bakyura_: Ah! Tanaka Taro is very naughty chatting during school hours

_Tanaka Taro_: You're here too, and sitting right beside me.

_Bakyura_: Touché'.

_Tanaka Taro_: Are those two still outside fighting...?

_Bakyura_: Yeah,

_Bakyura_: I can see them from the window. I can die happy if that one is killed though

_Tanaka Taro_: That's mean, Bakyura.

_Kanra has joined the chat._

_Kanra_: Hey~! Everyone enjoying the show?

_Bakyura_: Only you would text and run for your life at the same time. Go die

_Tanaka Taro_: I'm jealous that you can multitask like that...

_Kanra_: Yeah yeah. Taro-kun~ Can you tell Shinra to meet me in the infirmary after school?

_Bakyura: _Don't do it

_Tanaka Taro_: Sure.

_Kanra_: Thank you~! Bye bye!

_Kanra has just left the chat._

_Bakyura_: Traitor

_Tanaka Taro_: That's mean. He could be hurt.

_Bakyura_: And that is bad how?

_Tanaka Taro: _I'm signing off before the teacher catches me.

_Tanaka Taro has just left the chat._

_Bakyura_: I say he deserves whatever happens to him

_Bakyura has just left the chat._

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><p>It was midday, right before school let out. We had the benefit of leaving school early on the first days of class. The fight had ended a while ago when one of the teachers was brave enough to come out and remind us that we had wasted our whole first day of class chasing each other around and destroying public property. I really didn't mean to miss the whole class, but time flies when you're having fun, I guess.<p>

As usual, neither of us got in trouble. Surprisingly...or maybe not so surprisingly...the school was so used to our outbursts that they actually chose to ignore it instead of punishing us. I knew, for me, it was because a very close friend of mine who had ties with the Yakuza was kind enough to convince the school that I was only acting in self defense.

As for Shizu-chan...they probably let him off due to the fact that I was often the starter of our little game in the first place. That, and everyone was scared shitless of him.

I sat in the infirmary, my friend sitting beside me with an exasperated look on his face. I didn't escape the chase uninjured. Shizu-chan's own Parkour skills were improving as well, and at one point I had let my guard down long enough for him to actually hit me (quite hard, in fact) with a street sign.

Shinra, one of the few, _few _people I deemed close enough to call "friend" looked over my bruised arm and shook his head with a slight smile on his face. He was one of the only two people I had told about my little...crush. Though it was probably more than a crush at this point. He had figured it out on his own, actually, and I was in a sullen enough mood to spill the beans when he decided to confront me about it.

"You really are a masochist, Izaya-kun." He prattled on, amusement evident in his voice. He was working on fixing my arm up as best he could. I didn't trust the school nurse with the task, and everyone knew that the freaky doctor-to-be was way more skilled then that nurse anyway. His careful fingers worked quickly and effectively at wrapping white bandages around the large bruise.

"How long do you think you can keep this up?" He tone suddenly turned serious as he looked at me with searching eyes. I grinned at him, ignoring the fact that I knew he could see right through it. Annoying as he was, he was extremely well at reading body language due to his current...situation.

"What do you mean?" I laughed. "I would have Shizu-chan chase me all over the world if I could!" I raised my hands to emphasize this, wincing as the bruise stung in protest of my sudden movement.

He stared at me silently before sighing and shaking his head in disapproval, getting up and cleaning up his equipment. He silently left the room afterward.

I let my smile fall as he left, looking at the white bandages that blended well with my pale skin. I could talk to Shinra about my problem. I knew he'd listen. But he wasn't the one I used for such a purpose. He was my 'comedy relief' if you will. I could joke and complain to him about Shizu-chan, but I didn't have to let my mask fall around him either. No, there was someone else for that.

Sighing, I stood up to go meet with Psyche and head home.

It was going to be another long day. And with lunch arrangements with the family, it was going to be a tough one as well.

* * *

><p><strong>Chat Names:<strong>

_Tanaka Taro : Mikado_

_Kanra_ : Izaya

_Bakyura_ : Kida

Not too proud of this chapter...seems rushed. And my Izaya...so OOC. Dx I really hope I don't waste all these AN's complaining about my own FF.


	3. Past and Present: Sick Love

Hah! I was able to get this out before the end of the week! Thanks for the reviews. C: They keep me writing~ I'll try not to take so long to get this out next time.

Edit: Went back and corrected some things.

* * *

><p>I'm not stupid.<p>

Let's clear that up right now, shall we? Contrary to popular belief, I'm not an idiot. I'm not as slow as everyone thinks I am. It's just a mask I wear. Because in order to be loved I must become what the world wants to see. Just because I act ignorant, doesn't mean I am. I would actually consider myself smarter than the average person.

I may not be a genius, but I see things. I wouldn't call it a sixth sense, but it's definitely something that other humans tend to lack. Whether it's a gift or a curse, I can't decide. It has helped me numerous times in the past, but sometimes I wish I really was as oblivious as I make people believe.

That thing is a complete understanding and comprehension of the human mind. I know the right words and actions to make the whole world fall in love with me. I can trick even the most brilliant of minds into thinking that I am this perfect little angel. I _have_ tricked the most brilliant mind into thinking I'm a perfect little angel.

They couldn't be further from the truth though. If I'm an angel, my wings have been tainted. Tainted with selfishness and a sick love. Painted with red lies and black secrets. There was a time when my wings were white as the purest snow, but now they're just burned with so much malice that I could burst.

Ah, I must sound like a bad person. I'm sorry! I'm really not. I just have bad thoughts sometimes.

Hello, my name is Psyche.

* * *

><p><strong>Psyche's POV<strong>

The sun was bright that day. It's delicate rays bouncing off of shiny cars and warming my skin. I grinned up to the heavens and spread my arms, welcoming that glow. I loved days like these, where the sky was clear and bright. It reminded me of Tsugaru's eyes. Deep, calm, and filled with a steady heat. It gave me a feeling of peace, the daylight making me feel at one with everything around me.

The perfect sky contrasted with the broken concrete and debris that littered the school yard. Street signs, and even traffic lights were left on the normally clean campus of Raira academy. The culprits, of course, were my brother and the amazingly strong monster that attended the school. Their fight must have been really intense. I wondered who payed for those damages?

I let out a small sigh of discontent. I couldn't stand it when they fought. It drove me crazy knowing that every move they made only drove them further from my desired outcome. Sure, it was very entertaining. Actually, even if they were together, I would still like watching them fly around the city like animals at war. But I would rather them do it for reasons other than false hate.

I couldn't help but smile at the thought of them trying to kill each other over some sort of lover's spat. Wouldn't that be hilarious? It would be better than how they're hurting each other now.

"Psy-chan!" I felt my grin widen at the deep voice calling out to me. Glancing back at the twins, I gave my most brilliant smile. A well practiced expression that often left those around me speechless.

"Shizuo-san!" The name rolled effortlessly off my tongue, a song sung many times. I watched his eyes brighten at the sound of his name coming from my lips. It sickened me and excited me at the same time. I felt bad for brother.

I skipped over to them, keeping the smile on my face as I glanced over at Tsugaru. He gave me a small nod in acknowledgment, with the slightest hint of a smile and even a blush. I felt my heart skip a beat at the simple action. He may have been the only one in our group that wasn't doing anything stupid. And he was unbelievably sweet and cute. The perfect human.

Turning my attention back to Shizuo, I forced my lips into a small frown, making sure to look worried and innocent at the same time as my eyes flicked over cuts on his shirt without really seeing them.

"Shizuo-san, are you okay?" My eyes locked with his, and I can see the exhaustion there. He's already so tired from today's events. Stressed. The sight of the destruction he and Iza-nii caused was obviously taking a toll on him. I had to stop myself from smiling. He deserved it.

He gave a tiresome sigh, shaking his head before smiling at me. "I'm fine, Psy-chan." His face was warm like the sun. A look he only really gave me and his brothers. I felt my heart lurch at that fact.

It really wasn't fair.

Hiding my displeasure, I let the smile from before grace my features once again. "That's great, Shizuo-san!"

How annoying it was that he was completely unaware of what his actions were doing to Izaya.

My eyes raked over his clothes again. "I'm sorry Iza-nii ruined your uniform. I can patch them up for you!" As I expected, he shook his head at my offer. Not wanting to cause me any trouble.

"You two shouldn't fight so much." I breathed, no real meaning behind any of my words.

He looked at me, face contorted into a grimace. He seemed ridden with guilt, but only because he thought he was making me worry. Always the wrong reasons.

"I'm sorry, Psy-chan." He licked his lips nervously.

"It's okay, Shizuo-san!" I wished he'd stop apologizing to me.

"I'll try to have better control around the flea, okay?" Yeah right. Despite my disbelief, I looked at him with relief flooding my eyes. They'd be at it again tomorrow. Maybe even that day.

Before you get the idea, Shizuo isn't one I disliked. In fact, I adored the blonde. He just pissed me off sometimes.

I heard quiet footsteps coming from behind me, and sensed a slight falter in them as they got closer. Shizuo's eyes were suddenly glazed over in irritation, but he did his best to try and make it less evident. He was a pretty bad actor.

"Psy-chan." The voice made me shiver slightly. Suddenly I didn't have to fake a smile.

I glanced over at crimson eyes, smile brightening when I realized he seemed generally happy to see me. It was too rare those days. Normally he just looked at me with sadness or jealousy. Yes, there was still love, but the negatives often outweighed the positives.

"Iza-nii!" My smile faltered the slightest when I saw the white bandages, hardly noticeable on pale skin. He was hurt, but I knew he could handle a little bruise or two. Still, to think that under those bandages, that perfect skin was marred...

I shook off the twinge of anger and walk over to him, reaching over to intertwine my fingers with his. The warmth of his hand gave life to the butterflies rolling around in my stomach.

"Ready to go?" He was ignoring the other twins, not even giving them a glance. I kinda wanted to punch him for being such a coward, but his fingers wrapping around mine quickly replaced that urge with more butterflies.

I nodded at him, smiled for him, and sent a short wave over to the blondes before quickly making my way across the schoolyard with Izaya close behind. It wasn't long before he started rambling senselessly as we entered the crowded streets of Ikebukuro.

"You really need to find new friends, Psy-chan." I stopped myself from rolling my eyes, and instead gave him a questioning look. "Hanging out with monsters can't be healthy, you know. And what if that protozoan brain of his starts to rub off on you? Psy-chan, you're not very bright. Hanging out with idiots isn't going to help that at all."

I wanted to laugh at this. He always hid what he was really feeling through pointless and sometimes biting words. He was speaking out of jealousy, and trying to hide it by acting like he just didn't like Shizuo. As usual, I just played along.

"But Shizu-chan is so nice!" My lips quirked into an almost smirk at the way his eyebrow twitched in slight irritation. I felt like a hypocrite and a sadist. I despised how Shizuo made my brother miserable, but I didn't mind rubbing it into Izaya's face that I was the one he liked. I wondered what he would look like when he broke. When that cocky mask is covered in tears.

There are those bad thoughts again...

Despite the slight guilt I felt, I let the cruel innocent words continue. "I know he can be really scary, but he's really sweet to me. Like the other day, he shared some of his strawberry cake with me! He wouldn't even let Tsu-san have any. He was even kind enough to feed me! It was so yummy too!" I licked my lips with closed eyes to emphasize my point. I wondered if he realized he had stopped smiling. "And then he let me drink some of hi-"

"We're almost at the restaurant, Psyche." My grin widened at his rushed tone. He didn't even bother with the nickname. I felt bad for making him upset, but sometimes I just couldn't help it! His miserable face could be so cute. Those perfect lips were twisted into an unhappy frown, and I just wanted to touch them.

Brother is so beautiful, ne?

I watched as he approached the building, Russia Sushi as it was called, and entered. We were greeted by a tall and burly black Russian who's grin would have scared off most unknowing patrons. His name was Simon, and despite his threatening appearance, he was actually a pretty nice guy.

"Psyche! Izaya!" His heavily accented voice greeted us warmly. "Father and sister here! Come! You eat sushi, yes?" He grinned and started leading us further into the building, towards one of the private booths. I saw Izaya tense as we got closer and couldn't help but let my smile fall a bit. I do wonder why dad even bothered with these traditions.

As we entered the booth, I felt the bite of something horrible gnaw at my insides. The faces there always made me feel this way. Two identical girls, with a few minor differences, as well as a middle-aged man with black hair and tired brown eyes. Neither one of them looked at Izaya, but all of them smiled at me. My mouth began to hurt at the grin I was forcing. This kind of smile was always the hardest to keep.

What was this feeling again?

I saw the one order of Ootoro that sat across from the twins. Only one order? I almost wanted to yell at them. Need they be more obvious? Instead of sitting where the order was, where they most certainty wanted me to sit, I sat directly beside it. Making a point as to not touch the stuff. I felt Izaya's gaze on me and couldn't bring myself to look at him, knowing that his mask had probably fallen and he was looking at me with eyes filled with guilt and sadness, a rare sight to those who never really looked at him. I doubted that even he knew he had faces like that.

He hesitated before taking the seat beside me, not bothering to touch the food, though I knew he had the most difficult time resisting the allure of his favorite treat. It made me sick knowing that they knew the small things that would make him suffer.

Ah. That's right. I know this feeling.

No one spoke at first, but the looks were enough to get everyone's point across. Izaya was studying the wallpaper intently, trying to make himself invisible and sending hungry glances over at the plate of sushi, occasionally biting his lips in the most suggestive way possible. Kururi was looking at Mairu with a calm expression, watching as her sister glared daggers in Izaya's direction. Father silently ate his food, but the disappointment of my actions was evident on his features.

The tension in the air was choking me. And the feeling I couldn't stand was making my head hurt. I had to force myself to relax my muscles and breathe.

Hate. Loathing. Abhorrence. Antipathy. Disgust. So many words for this feeling. None of them strong enough.

It was only with meetings like these that I was familiar with it. Hate really isn't like me. Hate isn't what Psyche is supposed to feel. I was the only one smiling there, because what else was I supposed to do? That's what everyone wanted. That's what Izaya wanted. A smiling happy angel oblivious to the obvious tension in the room. I played that part like a professional actor.

I missed the days where my wings were white and pure. Where I never had to fake a smile. Before I started hating _them. _Not just my family, but everyone. Everyone who refused to realize that he was suffering, and slowly breaking apart.

* * *

><p><em><strong>4 years ago<strong>  
><em>

_The day had been eventful, to say the least._

_I've never seen him like that before. So much turmoil and pain. The mad look he gave to Shizuo as he laughed. The despair. Everything was so unfamiliar._

_What was happening to brother?_

_I felt my heart pounding in my ears as I watched them dart outside of the building, scared to follow but not wanting to stay in place as well. I knew something was wrong. Ever since this morning, I've been nervous. I clutched the headphones around my neck tightly, hoping that somehow they would calm my nerves._

_Why didn't anyone see they way he silently screamed for help? Why didn't anyone see the hurt? _

_I was surprised. There was anger. An unfamiliar sting of madness that engulfed me. Everyone was so stupid and blind. _

_Biting my lip and pushing down the fear that had settled into my stomach, I rushed out the door behind my brother and the monster. I was surprised to find street signs already all over the school yard. I saw how gracefully Izaya attempted to dodge them as they were thrown, moving in the air in ways I had never seen. It was almost like a dance._

_I was shocked even more when I caught a glimpse of his face._

_He wasn't smiling. He wasn't bothering to hide the pain. Something inside of me twisted mercilessly at the sight._

_I had never seen tears on my brothers face before that moment. I felt my jaw drop at the sight. It was beautiful. Crystals flew from his eyes as he twisted and turned, graceful and perfect. I was amazed by the feelings that took hold of my being. Shouldn't I be worried? He was crying!_

_But all I could feel was excitement. I knew I was the only one who noticed the tears. The blonde monster was blinded by rage and hate and embarrassment. Everyone else had fled the scene._

_I felt a lump form in my throat. I was sickened then, and not just by the people who refused to see my brother's misery. No, I was disgusted with myself as well. How could I enjoy my brother's pain? How could I be so cruel? I felt horrible. I felt my eyes sting with tears threatening to fall at any moment. I was selfish. What kind of brother smiles at the image of his suffering twin?_

_The fight ended when the warning bell pierced the air, and both bodies froze in realization. They stared, both panting with wide eyes, speechless and shocked at the mess they had created. _

_All evidence of the tears were gone from his face, but the emptiness was still there. Not just that, but fondness and maybe even a hint of adoration. I knew about my brother's feelings, but I didn't know that they had become so strong. I should have guessed. I cursed my stupidity and gritted my teeth. Of course that man would be what would make my brother's eyes scream with sorrow. _

_Why did I want to see more? _

* * *

><p><em>School went by silently. No one really acknowledged Shizuo or Izaya throughout the day, opting to avoid them at all costs. <em>

_Shizuo was quiet. More so than normal. Izaya continued to be himself. Taunting those around him behind all sorts of different masks, but I could tell he wasn't completely there. _

_I continued to beat myself up over my feelings. I was so devastated to find myself glancing over at my brother's face throughout our classes, hoping to catch a glimpse of the pain he tried so hard to hide. It wasn't long before he started to catch my gazes. I made sure I looked more worried than hopeful._

_Once the classes had ended, we made our way out the building and towards our home. The walk was silent. Izaya kept his mouth shut for once, and I was occupied with conflicting thoughts. Even while I gazed away, his stunning crying face was all I could think of. It made my face feel warm, and my stomach turned against my will._

_I waited until I could calm these feelings before I chanced a glance at him somewhere along the way. I caught his eyes as they stared holes into mine, the burn in them rivaling that of the sun's light._

_I had been shocked and filled with confusion many times that day, but that look was what scared me the most. It was overflowing with so much of what I knew he wanted to hide. Jealousy, bitterness, anger, envy, resentment, spite, and hate. _

_Hate. I never thought he would ever hate me..._

_I felt my heart clench and my mouth ran dry. I had to tear my gaze away. I felt myself trembling slightly and my eyes began to fill to the brim with tears._

_I deserved it. The way I felt for him said as much. I deserved that look. I deserved to feel the hurt that I know he's been feeling for months._

_That's where it had started. Where everything had begun to change. _

* * *

><p><em>It started small. He would just boss me around a little more than normal.<em>

"_Psyche, get me a drink." _

"_Buy me Ootoro." _

"_Idiot! You're making a mess!"_

_Taunts, jives, he did his best to hurt me. He wanted to see me suffer. He wanted me punished for what I had stolen from him. He never smiled at me during those days. Not once did he thank me for the favors. It was the only time where I felt truly hated by anyone._

_I took all that in and gave him what he wanted. Everyone began to notice the change. Shizuo would snap at Izaya more and more everyday, taking notice of the fact that I was suffering and being treated as a slave. There fights escalated to unimaginable lengths because of this, and Izaya often came back injured both physically and mentally. _

_Tsugaru often offered to let me stay with them for a few days if Izaya bothered me so much. I always declined. _

_Our family wasn't much different. Mairu and Kururi would both reprimanded my brother for treating me so harshly. I remember dad and Izaya often getting into verbal wars with each other, their words often becoming physical fights that mom would have to break up. And she was the worst. Izaya loved her so much. She was the only other one, other than me, who showed any sort of care for Izaya. So when she began to defend me and turn her angry eyes at him, he only got worse._

* * *

><p><em>It was only words at the beginning. But one day something inside of him just snapped and everything changed once again.<em>

_It was on a weekend, and our parents had taken our younger sisters to their martial art classes. We would be home alone for hours, but my innocent mind back then didn't think anything of it._

_I smiled down at Daisy, a small bird I had found outside a few days ago with a broken wing. With the help of our friend Shinra, I was in the process of nursing her back to health as her wing healed. Setting some bird seeds down in front of her, I went to go work on some homework on my bed._

_I didn't hear him come in. He was quiet, like a cat. It wasn't until I noticed a shadow fall over me that I realized I was not alone. I looked up at Izaya, my heart stopping as I noticed the cold look he was giving me. It was almost emotionless, but there was an anger slowly taking over those red orbs that made my blood run cold. I opened my mouth to greet him, but was met with a sharp, stinging sensation as he hit me with the back of his hand, making my head jerk uncomfortably to the side. _

_I didn't scream or make any sort of sound. I just closed my eyes, feeling the tears well up in pain and anguish. I didn't look at him, but felt his hands grasp at the collar of my shirt, jerking me forward so our faces were inches apart. _

"_I hate you." He growled. His breath hot on my cheek, making me squirm in discomfort. "I hate your face. I hate your clothes. I hate...why do you have to look like me!" He was yelling now. As his voice grew in volume, I could here it cracking and trembling against his lips. _

_His grip loosened before letting me fall. I thought it was over, deciding to glance up at him as he backed away. As his eyes met mine, I saw a flash of guilt. That guilt only helped fuel his anger and he quickly turned to break his gaze, his shoulders shaking in rage._

_I wanted to say something, but didn't know what. He took a few steps towards the vanity. Looking down at the makeshift nest with the sleeping bird._

_I heard him let out a tired sigh, or maybe it was a gasp. I felt my heart fall at the sound of a sob that soon followed. "Why are you so kind? So perfect?" His voice was quiet now. Almost a whisper. He gently picked up the bird, disturbing its sleep. "Why must you make everyone love you so much? Why?"_

_He was referring to Shizuo again. Everyone meant Shizuo, and he was a fool if he was trying to deny it. Izaya couldn't care less of whether people loved or hated him. That brute of a boy was the exception. He still didn't know that I knew what he felt for the blonde. He may never know. But that was the cause of all this. The man that knowingly refused to notice my brothers feelings. _

_Part of me still thought that Izaya was overeating, but I understood. He was so used to being in control. So used to not having to worry about what others thought. Yet here he found himself falling for someone that he knew he could never win the approval of._

_Izaya wasn't used to such hopeless feelings, and it was driving him mad._

_He turned to me, his eyes watery, but the tears refused to fall. He refused to let them. Instead, he allowed his face to contort, once again, into one of his cruel heartless masks._

_The slow smile he gave stopped my breath in its tracks. That look was more dangerous than all the anger in the world._

"_Psy-chan." His voice was mockingly sweet. "Do you love me?"_

_The question threw me off guard. My eyes widened in confusion, but I nodded. I wanted to please him. He knew this. He knew that I was desperate to do whatever I could to prove that I loved him more than anyone. He loved the fact that I was, in a way, his._

"_Say it." His voice was cold and precise. The bird in his hand cocked its head, wondering why the nest had disappeared from underneath its feathers. _

"_I-I love you...Iza-nii." My voice was trembling. I was scared. This was the manipulative and heartless Izaya everyone knew. Everyone but me. He never showed this side of himself to me._

_He grinned, his eyes closing which briefly hid the madness that was forcing his every word and action. "Good. That makes me happy, Psy-Chan~" The way he said my name sent more shivers of dread down my spine. What was he planning?_

"_Do you want to know what would make me happier?" With every word he drew closer, his feet silently dragging across the floor. He held up the bird so it was eye level with me. She was so small in his hand, fitting perfectly in his palm. My lungs were burning from lack of air as I had a hard time remembering to breathe. He didn't wait for me to answer._

"_I want you to cry for me, Psyche."_

Crunch.

_The sound of bones breaking so easily underneath his fingers was what did it. Daisy didn't make a sound. She couldn't. It was too quick._

_My mouth opened in protest, but I couldn't do anything but whimper. The tears fell of their own accord. I barely felt them. My eyes were locked onto the form of the lifeless bird held securely in his hands. His nails dug into the flesh of the bird, slowly staining with red as I began to bleed out._

* * *

><p>The memories ran through my head relentlessly. That was when my wings had finally dulled into a colorless gray. That was when I felt myself breaking for the first time.<p>

That was when I had first fallen in love with my brother.

It was a sick love. One that was both taboo and dangerous. But that didn't stop me from falling, and I stopped caring years ago.

It wasn't long after that before the crash happened and everything changed yet again. Before those eyes filled with hate were replaced with guilt. I was happy that things had changed for the better between us. He was so nice to me now. But he was still suffering. And I was still a hypocrite. A Sadist.

I loved how his heart ached for the blonde monster, but I would do anything to make it stop. His happiness is what I really wanted.

So I decided to love him. As much as I could. It would make him happy. And for now, there wasn't anyone else who could take on such a task. I had to love him because no one else would.

* * *

><p>OTL I made Psy-chan so complicated and Yandere! But I enjoy Yandere!Psyche too much so...ah well!<p>

Thanks in advance for reviews!


	4. Past and Present: Crash part 1

Waaah! Sorry for the long wait. I was gonna post this when I got back from Ota, but I got held up by work and my laptop dying on me. OTL Not sure how long this laptop is gonna last.

Anyhoo, had to split this chapter up into two as it started getting pretty long. The second part will come either this afternoon or tomorrow. C:

Also: THANKS FOR ALL THE REVIEWS. You people make me happy. D': ILU.

* * *

><p><strong>Izaya's POV<strong>

This love is a drug that threatens to consume everything that I am.

This love makes my heart skip like no other and turns my mind into complete mush. It makes my breath stop dead in its tracks until my lungs are burning with uncontrollable desire. I can't fight it, nor can I hide from it. It's an addiction, and my only true weakness.

This love has conquered many things and has gotten me through the worst of times. Whenever all seems lost, all I have to do is think of this one thing, and possibly even indulge in it. It warms me to the core, making me shiver with so much joy. It banishes all feelings of loneliness and despair, replacing it with unimaginable bliss.

This love sometimes stands above all others. It's the one love that doesn't hurt. It can't betray me, nor can I betray it. Unlike humans, it won't run away when I reach out to it. Unlike Psyche, I cannot hurt it. And unlike Shizuo, it cannot hurt me.

Or at least, normally it can't.

It is a drug. An addiction I shall never overcome. And I will let it abuse me until I am nothing. I will use it until everything is nothing.

It's torture.

Right now, this one true love is tearing away at my insides like a beast that cannot get enough of a piece of meat. It's taunting me. How can something hurt so much when it's so close? Oh, if only I could let it take me fully. I want to have it claim me as I do the same to it's delicious flesh, letting sinful pleasure take a hold of my mind and body.

I long for it. Every fiber of my being is begging for it. I want to feel it in between my fingers, and on my lips. I can't help but to think about the feel, the _taste, _and the overall sensation of having it slide down my throat. I can already feel myself moaning in pleasure as it fills me. My mouth waters as I imagine myself partaking in the most amazing feeling that could ever exist in this world.

I let the sight of it taunt me, my eyes sliding across it's tempting meat. I can't look away, though I should because it threatens to steal what little sense of control I have left. Are they enjoying this, I wonder? Do they enjoy seeing me suffer for the one thing that keeps me sane? I can't look at them. I don't want them to see my weakened gaze, or the obvious pain. But I need to look away. I need to stop torturing myself.

I lick my lips, which are suddenly dry and trembling. I bite down on them to contain the urge to whimper in need as my eyes continue to stare. What am I resisting for anyways? So what if they get mad? What if they yell? It means nothing to me. They mean nothing to me. So why don't I just reach out and take it?

Swallowing my nervousness, I slowly trail my eyes away from the Ootoro sitting so horribly close and instead decide to let my eyes rest on the identical face staring curiously at mine. Suddenly, I was reminded of why exactly it would be a bad idea to devour the delicate sushi sitting right in front of me. To eat Ootoro would most likely cause a commotion, seeing as the food was obviously bought for Psyche and Psyche alone. Another family argument would only upset him. That would completely ruin the reason for this stupid, meaningless tradition anyways.

Eating out on the first day of class. It used to be a fun event. Normally it would be filled with conversations of how our respective starts of the semester began. It was mostly Psyche and Mairu doing the talking while our parents and Kururi would listen carefully. Me? I would just be ordering order after order of Ootoro until I felt like vomiting from the fullness of my stomach.

That was what it used to be. Now, it was just a hopeless attempt at keeping the pink-eyed boy happy. But as oblivious as he tends to be, I doubt he didn't feel the tension. But then why would he bother to let these idiotic events continue?

Whatever the reason, looking at him I knew I couldn't do anything to upset this lunch. I owed him too much, and I promised myself I would never make him cry again.

But _really. _It is uncharacteristic of me to not indulge on this meal for such a reason! I'm Izaya Orihara and no one gets in the way of my sushi love!

My fingers twitch, scooting a bit closer to the plate. My tongue danced across my lips for the umpteenth time as I imagined the taste. One bite couldn't hurt. Just a taste. I felt my fingers slide over the delicate meat, the feel making my heart leap out of my chest as a voice in my mind screams at me to devour it, love it, take it, make it _mine._

I must resist.

But it's so _hard!_ Dammit, why did the world have to create such a perfect delicacy? There can't be anything more alluring then that of my delicious Ootoro! I bet even Shizu-chan wouldn't taste as heavenly.

Of course, if he did taste like Ootoro...I couldn't help but tremble at that thought.

Jerking my hand away before my resistance completely wavered, I closed my eyes and let out a shaky sigh.

For Psyche. Remember, this is for Psyche. I can always get Ootoro later.

Reluctantly I opened my eyes, glancing down at the delicious foo-

Hold it.

One was missing.

My eyes weren't closed for that long!

I felt my eyes narrow in anger as I stared down at the empty spot gracing the plate of what had to be a gift from the gods. All masks fell as I stared accusingly around the table, gritting my teeth in agitation.

Just because I can't have any, doesn't mean they can either! Screw resistance. It was _my _Ootoro!

Mairu and Kururi were innocent, though Mairu looked like she was going to fall out of her seat laughing any second. If I wasn't so intent on finding the culprit sushi thief, I would have thrown her through the wall in a second. Sushi wasn't something to laugh about!

Dad was innocent as well, but he had a pleased smile on his face. Bastard. What kind of father would allow someone to steal from his not-so-favorite son? It would be bad to slit his throat right here, right? Tempting as it may be, I don't want to go to jail. I also don't want to upset...

I froze.

Slowly, I turned my eyes towards Psy-chan, who was looking as angelic as ever. His smile was sweet, and his eyes were brimming with a fondness I still didn't understand. I should be happy that he was looking at me in such a way. It's refreshing when compared to all the hateful glances I normally received. I should be ecstatic, but...

"Something wrong, Iza-nii?" He broke the silence, his melodic voice piercing the tense air around us. His questioning gaze seemed genuine, and that innocence made me wonder exactly what I should be feeling at this moment. I'm trying my best to keep my cool. I can't get angry at Psyche, but it's becoming damn near impossible as I glance down at his fingers wrapped around my delicious Ootoro.

I watched in silent agony as his hand slowly raised, positioning the meat right in front of his smiling lips. I had to swallow the lump in my throat as I watched a pink tongue dart across the rice, my breath hitching in my throat once they made contact. I stopped breathing completely as those soft, pink lips wrapped around what was supposed to be _mine. _

I almost whimpered when he bit into the flesh, tearing it in half in between white canines. It was torture. I think I would rather die than watch someone else partake in that heaven right in front of my face without me being able to do anything about it.

His eyes closed as he savored the taste, and I would do anything to be in his place right now. He moaned in pleasure before opening his eyes again.

"This is so good~!" His eyes were lit up in pure happiness as he stared into mine. His face was slightly red, probably from the taste. Why did he have to be so oblivious? Couldn't he see that I was suffering from this? I wanted so bad to taste that delicious flavor. And here he was doing just that!

If there was a god, I wished it would strike me down at that exact moment.

"Would you like some, Iza-nii?"

...Or that works too. Actually, that's better than death. They can't complain if he offers me the food, right? God, I love Psy-chan! He has to be the best brother in the world!

"Sure, why not?" I tried to keep my grin contained, and probably failed miserably as I nodded. I opened my mouth in anticipation, and watched as Psy-chan lifted the leftover piece of Ootoro and...

Ate it.

Wait. What?

My mouth remained open, though it was quite disappointed in the lack of Ootoro that was supposed to be gracing my tongue instead of tasteless air. I was going to kill him. I could feel my hands brushing over the switchblade as I glared daggers into his very soul. He was going to die. I loved my brother to bits, but I was beginning to wonder if he had suddenly decided he wanted to die.

I was about to speak my thoughts on the matter until I noticed him leaning closer. That was weird. What was he planning? I opened my mouth to ask, but was cut short by a pair of soft lips crushing into mine.

Wait. _What?_

My eyes widened as my mind began to put two and two together. Psyche was kissing me. It took even longer for my brain to process that information.

My _twin_ was kissing me. Here. At Russia Sushi. In front of our family as well as a flabbergasted Simon.

Now, the sensible thing to do right then would have been to stop this. I mean, I really wasn't into the whole incest thing. Though Psyche was a very attractive boy, looking like me and all, I never really thought of actually doing things like _this _with him. But then a few things stopped me from pulling away.

The first thing was the _taste._ At first, it was just Psyche. It was a somewhat sweet taste that wasn't too surprising from what you would expect from someone who lives off of cakes and candy. But when the flavor of Ootoro started to take over my senses, I found myself completely immobilized. It was too much for me to fathom, and I found myself closing my eyes in bliss.

The next thing were the stares. Before closing my eyes I was able to witness both Mairu and Kururi dropping their respective chopsticks as their mouths fell to the ground in unison. Father wore a similar expression of shock and I wondered if he would have a heart attack right then and there. I'm not sure how many people were watching at first, but it seemed like all of Russia Sushi had their eyes on us now as the restaurant had grown completely silent.

And that would probably have caused the final reason for me to continue this show. I enjoyed watching my beloved humans react to such an event. The overall shock was delicious, and as I felt Psyche's tongue push the delicious tuna into my mouth I couldn't help but playfully swipe at it with my own. All of a sudden, this had become a fun new game. How did Ikebukuro feel about me violating their sweet little angel?

There was a small smacking sound when I pulled away, and I didn't fail to notice how everyone jumped when they heard it. Psyche had the most pure smile on his face, coupled with a cute blush. It was like this was nothing to him! How interesting. Mimicking his expression, I too pretended like this was nothing out of the ordinary.

"Ne, Iza-nii! Was that good?" He tilted his head to the side and smiled up at me hopefully. Either Psyche was a really good actor, or he seriously is as slow as he seems. Either way, he's already made my day much more intriguing.

"Of course it was good, Psy-chan. Ootoro is the best!" My voice was deceivingly sweet as I played along with Psyche's game. I felt my grin widen as his face broke out into an even brighter smile, but my thoughts were anything buy innocent and happy.

What are you thinking, Psyche?

As he picked up another piece of Ootoro and held it in front of my mouth, this was the only thing running through my head. We've always been close, but Psyche has never pulled anything like this. We've held hands on occasion, and we sometimes took baths together, but kissing? And in front of everyone in our favorite sushi restaurant? Why the sudden change?

Ah, but the thoughts can wait! I don't care what he does if it means I get more Ootoro!

He proceeded to feed me the rest throughout the meal. All thoughts of twin brothers with ulterior motives and incest were put on hold as I got to partake in my favorite treat.

Our families continued to stare, as well as most of the patrons in the restaurant. We must have been a sight! People were texting and taking pictures, probably spreading the news all across Ikebukuro as we ate. I wonder if either Shizuo or Tsugaru would hear. Probably not, as they both were lacking when it came to keeping up with the gossip of the city.

I wonder what Shizuo's face would look like if he had seen the kiss? He'd probably get mad at me, even if Psyche was the one who started it.

It wasn't long before we had finished eating and Psyche started rambling on about some new song by one of his favorite bands. Despite everything that had just happened, nothing seemed to change between us.

I always found it strange how Psyche could just jump right back into his normal routine whenever something big or strange happened. Maybe he was lucky for that. Nothing really seemed to faze him.

I guess I should be thankful for it too. If it wasn't for that part of him, I really would be alone, huh?

* * *

><p><strong>About 4 years ago<strong>_  
><em>

_It's funny, really. _

_Thinking back to that time, I can't help but feel like I had been possessed. I never once hated Psyche, but that's what I kept telling him. And no matter how horrible I was, he still loved me. He worshiped me and went out of his way to try and please me. It broke my heart every time to see him hurt because of my words and actions, but I didn't stop. I couldn't. I didn't want to suffer alone in my pointless love._

_I would make him cry as often as possible, yelling at him until my throat felt like it was on fire. Eventually, over the course of a year, it became more and more physical. I felt horrible and guilty but I couldn't stop. No matter how many tears shed or blood spilled, I refused to stop._

_No matter how much I hated myself for what I was doing to him, the jealousy continued to fuel my rage. To numb the pain, all I'd have to do was think about how unfair it was that he had everyone and I had no one. That I was hated while he was loved. Our family preferred him to me. The humans I spent my life obsessing over adored him. _

_And all that wouldn't have bothered me so much. No, I could live with that. I was jealous of the lack of love I received from my own family, but I didn't really care about them anyways. And I loved humans so much, but not as individuals. I can live with these people despising me and loving him. It hurt, but it was nothing more than a bee sting or a bug bite. And it was only fair. I mean, I didn't care at all for these people...so why should they return the favor?_

_No, the damn crack was what did it. Him. I never thought it would be possible for me to care for anyone but myself and Psyche. I could love many, but I would never fall in love. That was why it was so easy to live in hate. I thought I was emotionally invincible. Nothing could touch my heart, and I wanted to keep it that way._

_So of course when it finally happened, my mind just snapped. Suddenly I wanted to hide myself from everyone around me, just so I wouldn't have to see the despicable looks I would receive as I passed them by. I began to regret many of the things I had done, knowing that Shizuo would find out about them. Hearts that I had broken and dreams that I had already destroyed all seemed to be working for revenge. _

_I was only 12 when I had fallen for someone, and before that I had already done things that would land me a permanent place in hell. Maybe it was karma. I really don't know._

_What I did know was that this wasn't how I wanted my life to be. I did not want love to weaken me. I did not want to succumb to the despair of knowing that I was falling into a hole that I would never crawl out of. _

_These thoughts consumed me for a year. We were 13 when it all began. Still so young, too young to be feeling and thinking these things. While my childhood was ripped from me the moment I realized that I couldn't fit in, Psyche was still oblivious and sweet. He was still a kid at heart, and I was taking that away from him every day._

_It went on for only a year. A long year, but all the pain I was causing him would soon stop in fire and blood. _

* * *

><p>"<em>Psy-chan, Iza-chan. It's time to go!" <em>

_I looked up from a magazine I was reading and saw my mom throwing on a winter jacket. Psyche may have been the only human I felt connected to, but this woman came mighty close. Before I had started bullying Psyche, she was the only other human who truly acknowledged me. She loved me, even if it was obvious at times that she favored Psyche. Still, it was enough to know that someone else out there didn't hate me, and for that I did care about her. _

_That was before I fell, of course._

_She smiled softly as Psyche padded in clutching his pink stuffed bunny. She giggled and leaned down to adjust his coat. _

"_Don't you think you're a little too old for that, Psy-chan?" She teased him while ruffling his hair affectionately. Psyche pouted and held onto the thing as if his life depended on it. _

"_It's mine!" He said defiantly, and stuck his tongue out for effect. This only made mom laugh and shake her head, her raven hair swaying with it._

_I couldn't help but think about how long it had been since she had given me a loving look like that. I couldn't get jealous. I knew why.  
><em>

_She took his hand in hers and started heading to the door. Psyche looked so tiny standing next to her. It would still be a while before either of ud reallu gained any height._

_ "Go to the car, okay? I still need a few minutes to get ready. You too, Izaya."_

_Psyche practically bounced out the door, making sure to keep the stuffed animal close so he wouldn't drop it. I slowly slid off of the couch and followed, but instead of heading to the car I stayed near the door. It was in the middle of winter, and the air was freezing cold. I welcomed it as it bit into my skin like ice._

"_You leaving?" I heard dad approach her and felt myself cringe. We really hadn't been getting along lately. It wasn't really a surprise. I never had much to say about my dad, and he always thought I was a little cracked.  
><em>

There was a long sigh before he spoke again. "_Watch Izaya." My name caught my attention and I found myself stepping towards the door in order to hear better. "You know how he's been. Make sure he doesn't get too much time alone with Psyche. Don't let him out of your sight. You never know what that brat could do." I winced, but it wasn't like he hadn't called me worse.  
><em>

_It was silent for a few seconds. I began to wonder if maybe dad had left the room and that was the end of that. Another gust of freezing wind blew, and I was about to move away from the door when mom's voice suddenly piped up, barely audible as she was almost whispering._

"_He's only a child, you know." Her voice was so soft, as if she was almost afraid to speak. "You're talking as if he's some sort of criminal. He's still our little boy." Even if she didn't sound completely sure or confident, the words made my chest feel warm and suddenly it didn't feel so cold anymore. The feeling didn't last long._

"_He's a monster." I stopped breathing. Dad's voice had risen, but he wasn't yelling. "He's a sociopath, and you know it. There is something wrong with him. He's like a demon!" My fists clenched and I felt my blood begin to boil. A demon, huh? Was that what he thought of me?_

_It didn't matter. Psyche saw past the monster. And so did mom. She'd defend me._

_Another long silence engulfed them. I waited, knowing that their conversation was anything but over. I wanted to hear mom's response. I wanted to hear her tell him that everything he's saying is complete bullshit. I'm not a monster. If anyone around here is a monster, it's Shizu-chan! I'm not..._

"_He needs help." The effort it took to breathe after that statement was actually painful. "After the doctor appointment today, I'm going to be meeting with a psychologist over on the other side of town." My chest seemed to collapse on itself. Why would she...? "We'll get him fixed up, alright? He'll be fine."_

_My blood turned cold. The heat from the anger I felt towards dad and the warmth I felt towards mom's loving words were completely gone._

_So that's it._

_She thought I was a monster too._

"_The boy doesn't need a therapist. He needs an exorcist." Dad's biting words made me flinch. I wanted to get angry at them, but I couldn't._

_I heard mom sigh in exasperation. Thinking back, maybe she didn't respond to what he said because she knew it was a hopeless argument. Not because she agreed with him. As a kid, though, all I could think was how much she must hate me. _

"_I'll be back in a few hours, okay? Love you." I heard them kiss before the sound of dad's retreating steps made me move away from the door, and towards the car._

_How long has it even been since the last time she said she loved me?_

_I took a seat in the back of the car, beside Psyche who was fiddling around with his mp3 player. I didn't look at him, afraid that he would see the angry tears threatening to fall any moment._

_I didn't care about my family._

_I didn't care about dad._

_I didn't care about her._

_So why did I want to cry?_

* * *

><p><em>The visit to the doctor was uneventful. I didn't speak, and I barely payed attention to what was being said during the appointment. Every movement I made felt automated. I didn't feel like I was there. It was like I was watching things unfold behind glass lenses.<em>

_I guess you could call it the calm before the storm. Because at first, that's how I felt. Calm._

_Psyche licked at the pink lollipop that one of the nurses gave him after the check-up. He was clutching my hand and swinging our arms back and forth as we walked._

_It felt so normal and strange. He should hate me, but he doesn't. Everyone else does, so why doesn't Psyche...? He should hate me the most for what I've done... even now..._

_The calm was broken by the confusion. My mind became cloudy, and suddenly the clouds were drizzling. _

_How long would it be before the first strike of lightning appeared?_

_Before I knew it, we were in the car and buckled up. _

_Mom paused a bit when she sat down, taking her time to close the door and adjust the mirrors. Turning the rear view mirror so that she could see the two of us, she gave us one of those smiles. Those sweet smiles mom's often give before they tell their kids that Santa doesn't exist, or that that they're taking you to an insane asylum because you're just one fucked up kid._

"_We're going to make a little stop before we go home." It sounded innocent enough, but the meaning behind it made the clouds inside my head rumble with oncoming thunder, the rain becoming heavier._

_Psyche tilted his head to the side and gave yet another pout. "Where are we going?" He clutched the stuffed animal close to his chest. He seemed nervous._

"_Oh, just to another doctor." She paused before speaking again, trying to find a way to word things without sounding too obvious. "Izaya needs another check up."_

_Whether Psyche had believed her at first or not, he took one look at me and I could tell that he knew something was up. That look was what made the first flash of lightning strike and the wind start to howl. Suddenly every thought I was holding at bay came flooding into my mind all at once._

_What was wrong with me? Why am I so weird? Why am I so unloved? Why can't I fit in? Why was I born this way? Why was I born at all?_

_If the story of the angel were true, why couldn't I get a second chance to change who I would become? Why did I have to be someone that everyone hated? _

_Nothing was fair._

_Everyone thought of me as a monster. She thought of me as a monster. And, well, if everyone says the same thing then it must me true, right? When the angel asked me what I would want to be, maybe that's what I told him. A monster. Why I would want that, I don't know. But that was the outcome._

_And if I'm a monster...then nothing would hurt me._

_The car had already begun moving as I felt the rage build inside of me. Maybe this is what Shizuo felt before he started hurling vending machines. A burning anger that was almost impossible to contain. It choked me. It was like a large beast trapped within a shrinking cage. It growled. It howled in rage. It wanted to be heard. It wanted to be free. I needed to let it out. I needed to burst._

_The words felt like acid on my tongue as I began to speak._

"_Why don't you tell him, mom?" I watched as her expression froze in the mirror, her eyebrows raising in both shock and worry. That's right, bitch. I know exactly where we're going._

"_W-what do you mean Izaya? Tell who what?" Her lips twitched, having trouble keeping the smile in place. _

_I smiled too, but mine was much easier to maintain. Bitterly, I laughed and said with a voice that was all too sweet for what was being spokdn._

"_Where we're going." I leaned forward, placing my hands on the back of her seat. "Tell Psy-chan that you're taking me to a shrink. That his slightly older brother is messed up in the head and needs to see a different kind of doctor. You don't have to sugar-coat anything, mom. He's stupid, but he'll understand that much."_

_I watched her mouth drop open and her hands tighten around the wheel. Small sounds escaped her, but no words. She was speechless._

_The car was silent except for the hum of the engine and the sound of wheels on road._

"_M-mom," Psyche's voice was quivering. He sounded as if he was about to cry. "Is that true?"_

_She winced at the hurt tone of his voice. I could see her eyes darting from the mirror to the road. What's a mother to do when her son reveals something he was not supposed to know?_

"Of course i_t's true, Psy-chan!" I grinned at him, sitting back in my seat. "I heard her and papa talking today! They said I needed 'help,' which is pretty obvious I guess. But dad called me a monster! Can you believe that?" My laugh sounded unnatural, even to my ears."That's saying that I'm the same as Shizu-chan! How absurd."_

_Psyche's hands were shaking. I watched as his eyes widened with every word, and reveled in the sympathetic way he looked at me._

"_But you know, Psy-chan," I paused, leaning closer as if I was about to tell a secret. My voice turned into a loud whisper, one that I knew mom could hear. "Maybe they're right. I could be a monster, just like Shizu-chan. It would explain why no one wants to be my friend, hm? It would also explain why mommy and daddy would love a dumb ass like you instead of me!"_

"_Izaya..."_

_Her voice could barely be heard under my rant._

"_There must be something wrong, right?" The strange demon in my chest purred with satisfaction. "You're music is complete shit, you know. You'll never be as smart as me. Nor will you be as skilled. The only reason people love you, Psyche, is because we're a complete set. And in comparison to a monster like me, you must seem like some sort of saint. If everyone hates me, then they must love you. That's the only reason."_

"_Stop it..."_

"_Or maybe you're just a retard. Everyone's always nice to those people. Maybe you're just so stupid, that everyone feels sorry for you. Maybe-"_

"_IZAYA!"_

_She turned her head sharply, letting go of the wheel to do so. She looked furious, enough to scare the storm out of my system. I didn't have enough time to figure out whether it was from sadness or anger though._

_Her head was turned. She didn't notice the red light._

_Nor did she notice the 3 cars, screeching in a meaningless effort to stop._

_She didn't notice until everything had already gone black._

* * *

><p><em>Pain.<em>

_It hurt. Everything hurt. My chest hurt. My head hurt. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't even open my eyes._

_Sirens. Screams. A smell that made my stomach twist. It all made my head throb in agony._

_Why couldn't it all just go away? _

_I kept trying to open my eyes._

_There was something wet dripping on my face. Too thick to be water. _

_I wanted to wipe it off._

_Why did everything hurt so damn much?_

_Why was everything so loud...?_

_Make it stop._

_A sliver of light as my eyes began to open. It was so hard to breathe. Was that smoke...?_

_My heart began to race. What was going on? _

_My vision began to clear, only enough to make out something red and peach. There was black too..._

_Did we have an accident?_

_My head was spinning. I couldn't think._

_There was something pink beside the red._

_Was that blood?_

_Who's?_

_The small patches of peach and black began to form into shapes I could identify._

_Skin and hair. _

_Was he sleeping?_

_Psyche's bloodied face was inches from mine._

_Please tell me he's sleeping. _

_The sirens became louder, and I heard voices surround the car. _

_He isn't breathing._

_I kept telling my body to move. We needed to get out of here. _

_He isn't breathing._

_I felt too weak to cry. I was in too much pain and shock to move._

_I just stared at the identical face in front of me._

_And all I could think was that it wasn't breathing._

_Psyche..._

_My vision began to blur. _

_Psyche...!_

_The world was getting further and further away. I tried to hold on._

_Psyche!_

_I'm sorry..._

_Don't..._

_You need to wake up..._

_You can't leave me alone..._

_Don't die, Psyche..._

_Please..._

_Don't..._

_My last thoughts before the world went black again..._

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><p>Sorry for the cliffy. This is about the halfway point for the prologue...yeah, this is going to be a pretty big monster fic. Sorry if you're getting tired of the flash backs. OTL<p>

Anyways, the cliffy will end soon, so don't kill me okay? D: Thanks for reading~


	5. Past and Present: Crash Part 2

So...Heyya! This is late. Made later by the fact that Irene knocked out the internet on the day I actually tried to update this. Not the electricity. The _internet._ Gotta love nature. :D

Sorry I don't have time to reply to the rest of reviews! This place has no plugs so I have only a little while to use the internet before my computer dies. D: THANKS FOR ALL THE REVIEW THOUGH. OMG YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME. ;_; ILU.

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><p>"<em>It's already been two days. When is he waking up?"<em>

"_I don't know, sir. We're doing everything we can, but they're both still in critical condition. It may take some time for their bodies to recover."_

"_Well do your damn job and fix him! This is my son!"_

"_Yes sir."_

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><p>"<em>Hey, Psyche... Are you still asleep?"<em>

"_Papa, when is Psy-nii going to wake up?"_

"_Soon, honey. Very soon."_

"_Well when's soon gonna come?"_

"_It'll only be a few days at most, Mairu."_

"_But mommy never..."_

_"Dead."_

"_Kururi, don't use such a horrible word..."_

"_But that's what she is! S-she..."_

"_Mairu. Stay strong. Don't cry in front Kururi."_

"_T-that's no fair! Y-you're crying too… Papa..."_

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><p>"<em>DAMMIT! I'm coming in!"<em>

_"I'm sorry, but only family is allowed to-"_

"_You're pissing me off!"_

"_I'm sorry about his actions sir, but he's only going to force his way in if you don't let him in yourself. I'm not sure how soon the hospital will be able to install a new door."_

"_Damn straight! Now let me through!"_

"_R-right this way."_

…

"_Seems like they haven't woken up yet..."_

"_Damn it... how the fuck did this happen?"_

"_I'm sure there will be an explanation soon."_

"_Stupid flea. If you can take a damn vending machine to the head, how the hell do you let a car do this to you! Damn it!"_

"_I'm sure they'll be fine."_

"_Better be..."_

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><p><em>It took me two weeks to wake up. As soon as I did, I was flanked on every side by doctors. They asked me all sorts of questions, but I was at first unable to answer. My throat felt so raw it was impossible to speak. They gave me water and analyzed my condition. It took a few more days, but once they deemed me stable enough, they preceded to fill me in.<em>

_Psyche hadn't woken up yet. He was in worse condition, seeing as two of the cars had hit the passenger side, where he was. I had already figured this out on my own, seeing as his bed was right next to mine. _

_They weren't sure whether he would wake up or not. I tried my best to hide the panicked feeling that overtook me at that moment. _

_The second bit of news didn't do me any better. Mom was dead. She died on impact. Something about a broken neck, but by that point I had already blocked their words out. Mom was dead. She wasn't going to come back. And it was my fault._

_After some rest, I was finally able to speak. I didn't say much, though. I answered any questions they had concerning with how I felt. The drugs numbed me enough so nothing really hurt, but my mind still wandered over to the still figure laying in the other bed. I wished so bad that he would wake up soon. I hoped that when he did wake, he would smile that smile of his and tell me that everything was going to be fine. _

_A few more hours passed after they had broken the news. The doctors had contacted my family soon after, telling them that I was awake and doing fine. I was still in pretty bad condition, but they no longer feared for my life. I wondered if anyone really cared, though. I'm sure everyone must have been disappointed to find out that I was the one awake. I was the one who was going to live. I wasn't Psyche. _

_My father came not too long after the call. Just him. He spoke with the doctors, the first things spewing from his mouth were questions regarding his other son. If one was awake, the other would wake up too right? I held in a bitter sigh. As I had figured, no one could really be concerned with the fact that I was going to be okay. I couldn't blame them, though._

_I heard footsteps enter the room after the conversation. Dad's eyes went straight to Psyche bed, and they furrowed in a saddened hopeful glance. I actually felt bad for him, too. As much as I couldn't stand the man, he was still my father. And I was the cause of Psyche being in that state._

_Following close behind were two cops. My heart jumped at the sight of them. Did they know? Did they know it was my fault? Were they here to take me away? No. Even if they did know, I'm a minor. And I wasn't driving or anything. They couldn't pin this whole thing on me, could they?_

"_Izaya Orihara, I presume?" The cop was looking at a paper. I wondered what was written on it. "We were wondering if you could give us a statement on what exactly took place on the day of the accident."_

_I felt myself relax with those words. They couldn't have known. It was just us who were in the car. Mom was dead, and Psyche was unconscious. Even if he was awake, he wouldn't rat me out._

_In other words, I was in the clear. _

_Instead of giving a statement, I decided to keep quiet for the time being. I wanted Psyche to wake up. I didn't really feel like saying anything until he was up and about. I told them that I wasn't ready to speak yet, and I ignored the look dad gave me as well. He wanted an explanation, but he wasn't going to get anymore than 'She ran a red light.'_

_They left me alone after that. I spent the rest of the day scowling at the bland tasting hospital food, and attempting to watch the limited amount of channels their television had. Most of the time, I stared over at the other bed, trying to get as much of a glimpse of Psyche as I could. Maybe if I stared long enough, he'd open his eyes..._

_It was nearing the end of another day when it happened. Dad and the twins had returned, and they were sitting around Psyche's bed. They were going to have to leave soon, seeing as visiting hours were almost over. As I waited for them to get up and leave, I heard something down the hall. A familiar yell, and something crashing against a wall. I frowned. Who would be creating such a commotion in a place like this?_

"_I'm sorry, b-but you're really not allowed to-"_

"_SHUT UP!" My eyes widened as I heard yet another loud crash come from not too far down the hall. I felt my blood run cold, and bit my lip in embarrassment as I heard the heart monitor speed up. That protozoan always had to make a scene wherever he went. I felt my good arm clench the sheets tightly as the door swung open, Shizuo storming in like a bull. Tsugaru wasn't far behind, and both their eyes widened when they landed on me. I had to look away to try and get my heart rate back to normal. No one seemed to notice though._

"_Flea...?" His voice was a lot softer then it was when he was yelling at the doctors, and it took me by surprise. I don't think he ever used that tone with me before. _

_Tsugaru himself had a small smile on his face, a contagious one that made my lips twitch into something like a smile as well. I gave a dramatic sigh, one used to hide the fact that I was still feeling butterflies attacking my stomach as I looked back at the golden-eyed blonde._

_"Shizu-chan! You came to visit me! Were you worried? How sweet!" I played it off as I normally did, of course making it sound more like a joke. But the happiness was real. I could tell that he was relieved, and the fact that he felt such a way because I was alive made me happier than I had been in a long time. Shizuo was worried about me. I once again cursed my heart for showing my excitement over this fact. _

"_What, no presents? You could have at least brought Ootoro." I pretended to pout. My family seemed a bit surprised to see me saying more than a few words, but I didn't care. Shizuo was here._

_It didn't help when he smiled, even grinned at me! I felt (and unfortunately, heard) my heart skip a beat at the sight. He's never smiled at me before. I almost felt like a school girl at that moment. Any anxiety I was feeling before was pushed aside for this welcomed feeling of warmth._

"_Damn it, flea..." I could tell he was trying to keep his smile at bay. Trying to hide the fact that he was happy. I attempted not to giggle._

"_We're glad to see you're okay, Izaya-san." Tsugaru spoke up for his brother, knowing that Shizuo wasn't going to say it. Shizuo blushed as he turned his head away to try and hide that too. How cute! _

_That feeling quickly fell when I saw his eyes land on Psyche, the small hint of smile twisting into that of a frown. I felt my own heart fall as Tsugaru turned his gaze to be met with the same sight. That's right. Psyche was still sleeping._

_I could feel the tension load the air as it grew uncomfortably silent for what seemed like an infinite amount of time. Tsugaru stepped forward to place a hand on Shizuo's trembling shoulder, knowing that the brute was only seconds away from snapping. _

"_I'm sure he'll be fine." Tsugaru's words fell on deaf ears, but his voice helped sooth Shizuo's nerves._

_Shizuo gave a long sigh, closing his eyes tight as he did so. When he opened them again, he turned his head to looked me straight in the eyes. My lungs stopped working as I saw them. So many feelings were conveyed in that one look. Sadness, desperation, hope... It was like he wanted me to give him all the answers. Reassurance that once all this was over, everything would be fine and we'd all go back to the way we were._

"_What happened?"_

_His voice was quiet, much too quiet for what I was used to hearing. It gave me chills as I heard every single emotion he was feeling in those two words. What was I supposed to say?_

_I opened my mouth to tell the simple lie I had practiced in my head a thousand times since I was first asked. She ran a red light. She wasn't paying attention. It was an accident. It wasn't my fault._

_I couldn't say any of it. Not while I was looking into those eyes. Nothing but air escaped my lips and I felt my hands start to tremble as I felt the sensation of everyone's eyes staring straight into mine. They wanted answers. Why won't Psyche wake up? Why did this happen? How?_

_Lying would have made everything so easy. It would be so easy to start over. Mairu and Kururi never really hated me, so I could have repaired the relationship with them. I'm sure I could have found a way to get along with dad as well._

_Tsugaru was unable to hate anyone, much like Psyche. And the way Shizuo smiled at me when he saw me laying here, completely fine...he didn't hate me either, did he?_

_I wanted to smile. Shizuo really didn't hate me. It gave me hope that maybe this feeling wasn't so pointless after all. Maybe it was possible that we could be..._

_The beeping of the heart monitor across the room was what made me rethink my well-crafted lie. Psyche might not wake up. Would any of this be worth it if he didn't? I could lie. I could fix everything and lie. But if he didn't wake up... Even if he did..._

"_Izaya?"_

_I don't know exactly why I did it. All I knew was that I couldn't lie to him, staring into those searching eyes. I couldn't lie to him when he said my name as if it would solve all the problems in the world. I wouldn't betray him in such a way. He wanted the truth. What was I to keep it away from him?_

_I practically absorbed the sight of his hopeful gaze staring into mine. I recalled his smile from earlier, making sure to memorize every detail of it so I wouldn't forget it years later. He would never look at me like that again, would he? I would never see that look directed at me ever again. And I deserved that fate._

_When I finally opened my mouth to speak, the words flowed like a river. Once I began, I couldn't stop. Didn't pause. I recalled everything as it had happened since we left the doctor's office. I told them what I said to mom, and then what I said to Psyche. I told of mom's attempt to get me to shut up. I told them that I was the one that distracted her. I was the one who caused the accident. _

_When I finished the room was dead silent. Everyone that was sitting down before had, at some point during the tale, stood up in shock. Tsugaru's face was expressionless, with only the slightest hint of anger swimming in those blue orbs. It was such a rare sight._

_I didn't even have to look at Shizuo to know that he was a ticking time bomb. A rocket about to launch. The silence was nothing more than the calm before another storm. It felt like the room itself had stopped breathing, waiting for him to make a move._

_I could somehow feel that he was about to blow. I also had no way of preparing for the onslaught._

"_You...you mean to tell me..." His voice shook as he spoke. I wasn't sure if it was because he wanted to cry or he was really that pissed._

"_Psyche might die...because you were being an asshole...?" I could almost hear him grit his teeth. No, he didn't want to cry at all. He wanted to bash my face in._

_I didn't answer. I just stared and waited with what I was hoping to be an emotionless expression. Anything I said or did would have just made things worse. _

_No one was surprised when seconds later I was lifted from the bed by the collar of my shirt. Simultaneously as I was lifted by one hand, Shizuo raised his other which was ready to strike. I shut my eyes, knowing it was pointless to even try and defend myself in my condition, and without my switchblade no less. I waited for the inevitable._

_Waited._

_Waited._

_About a minute or two later, I noticed that it was taking a little too long for the blow to hit. Slowly, I opened my eyes. I regretted it almost immediately. The saddened, betrayed look he was giving me was more than enough of a punch to the face. _

_Hesitantly, he dropped me. He continued to look at me in that heart wrenching way as he tried to decide what to do. He looked so conflicted. Maybe battling between the idea of whether he should kill me now or wait until after Psyche dies. The idea made me tremble slightly with dread._

"_If he dies.." He turned his gaze to the floor, taking a moment to decide on his next words. "I won't hesitate to make your life a living hell." _

_You already have, Shizu-chan. _

"_I will destroy you. Got it?" His voice was dangerously low. It sounded almost like the monster I claimed he was. _

_With that he stormed out the room, unable to say anything more. I didn't let myself breathe, though. Slowly, my sisters tore their tear-filled eyes away from Psyche to send me hateful scowls, Mairu soon taking Kururi's hand to walk out before they too made a scene. At that point I decided to close my eyes. I didn't even want to look at my father._

"_You should have died instead of her."_

_Hearing that was more than enough. I heard him leave, he let out a breathe as I felt the door close behind him. With it came all hope of ever reconciling with any one of them. They hated me, and that wasn't going to change._

_As the reality of it all hit me, I felt a bitter grin spread across my face. Even when I thought no one was around, my face still contorted into one of those practiced masks in an attempt to try and quell my despair. My chest hurt. My eyes burned. I wanted to scream, but only a pathetic chuckle reached my lips before dying down. _

"_Fuck..." The word left me without me realizing it. It didn't matter. No one would hear it. "Fuck!"_

_It was almost too much. Why didn't I lie? Everything would have been so much better. I wouldn't be hurting right now. Why didn't I lie? No one would hate me. Hell, they may have even pitied me! But isn't that worse than hate anyways? Pity is so worthless. And pity you don't deserve? Sick. But at least I would have still had a chance with Shizuo..._

_Why didn't I lie?_

"_I should have lied." Once again, talking to the air._

Or so I thought.

"_I'm glad you didn't." The deep voice almost made me jump out of my bed, and I found my hands moving for a switchblade that was nowhere to be found. I turned my head towards the noise and was caught in deep blue eyes. Angrier than I had ever seen them, but still calm and, somehow, even reassuring. Still, I almost thought I was looking at Shizuo._

"_Tsugaru..." My face felt numb, but I knew I was smiling. "Shouldn't you be with your brother? He's probably throwing someone out a window right now, you know..." I ignored the fact that he was only seconds away from seeing me have a mental breakdown._

"_Diversion doesn't work on me, Izaya-san." The tranquility of his tone was close to outweighing the obvious disgust. The stare I was receiving from him was cold compared to his normal warmth. It was pretty frightening actually._

_I decided that skirting the subject wasn't going to do me any good, and yet I allowed myself to continue with the smile. "What do you want to say to me then, Tsu-chan? It's not like you to speak. And I'm sure your brother said plenty. What more is there to talk about?"_

_He calmly stared at me for a few seconds before letting out a tiresome sigh. He gazed over at Psyche's bed, lovingly studying his features before turning his gaze to me._

"_I'm not here to hurt you. Not like the others attempted to do." I winced. He was more perceptive than I thought. "I want to help Psyche. You and Psyche, really…" _

_His words gave me a bit of a shock. Help me? How? I found my grin widening. No one could help me. _

_He must have noticed my disbelief, and I almost giggled at the pout I received. Nevertheless, his next words still spoke volumes for what he wanted from the confrontation._

"_Don't hurt him anymore." He looked at Psyche once again. "It isn't doing anyone any good. It was because of your words and actions that Psyche is in this condition. And excuse me for saying this, but it is also the reason you have become miserable as well."_

_It's statements like that which makes me wonder if my masks are as full proof as I thought. Was I really that obvious? Could everyone see what I was really feeling? No. People like Tsugaru just saw these things. That made his type more dangerous than any other._

_Tsugaru was proving himself to be almost as unpredictable as Shizuo, really. It irritated me. _

"_And what makes you think I'm miserable?" I stared him down, noting his every move. It didn't help. I always thought he was easy to read, but I was just learning that was not the case. "You don't know me at all, Tsu-san! I'm perfectly content with everything. Why would I be despondent~?" I laughed. "You're a very silly one, aren't you?"_

_He was expressionless for a moment. Eventually, his lips turned up into a small smile. It was warm but somehow it still managed to send shivers down my spine. _

"_Izaya-san, please." The smile remained, but his voice began to sound almost exactly like Shizuo's. "Don't fuck with me."_

_I frowned at that. How dare he say those words with such a face! It was annoying…_

"_You love your brother. And despite everything you've said, you will stop. You won't ever make him cry again, will you? I assume after this, you will attempt to keep him happy. Because right now, he's the only one who gives a shit about you."_

_With that he stood, gathering up his blue jacket in his arms as he did so._

"Even if you don't, you can bet that Nii-san, as well as I, won't stand to let you get away with any more abuse. You have my word on that."

_By the time he was done with his little spiel, my mask had completely fallen. Noticing this, I quickly replaced the shock with a smile. The heart monitor was working against me though as it beeped at an insane pace._

"_Tsu-chan... I'm surprised." Giggling, I sat up and looked him dead in the eye. "I never knew you had such a beast inside of you. Monstrosity must run in the family, hm?"_

_He barely glanced my way before making for the door, his steps softly padding across the cold, tiled floor._

"_Visiting hours are almost over…" He looked at the clock. "We will most likely return tomorrow. I will see you then, Izaya-san." With that, he silently opened the door and left._

_I collapsed back into my pillow and let out a annoyed groan. What the hell was that? Tsugaru… he could be even worse than Shizuo. Not only was he actually smart, but he even had a scary side. An unpredictable side that I will possibly never understand._

_That in itself makes him just as much of a monster as his brother._

_Putting those thoughts aside I glanced over at the bed next to mine. Still sleeping despite all that had happened…_

_I sighed and considered falling asleep myself. I remember wishing I had never woke up. Wishing that I had lied so that I wouldn't have been put into that predicament. Wishing that Psyche would open his eyes, so I could again feel the sensation of being loved and accepted. _

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><p><strong>Present<strong>

And wake up he did, eventually. It took time, and we recovered, but so many things have changed since then.

I did promise myself, at that time, that I would never make Psyche cry again. So far, I was doing a pretty decent job of that. Though I was beginning to wonder how good of a job I was really doing.

I mean really. What was the meaning of that kiss? I couldn't stop thinking about it!

Psyche can be so unpredictable sometimes as well…I would never consider him a monster though. But still. The kiss had me rethinking almost everything that had happened between us.

We've always been a little more touchy then your average siblings. Even now we still shared baths and even slept in the same bed on occasion. I always chalked it up to Psyche childish tendencies, but what if…

I shook my head. Nothing made sense anymore, and I figured I needed a second opinion on the matter. I sighed and looked up at the sky as Psyche and I made our way through the city. Maybe my 'therapist' could help me out with this problem. There wasn't many I could talk to about it, and I didn't want to bring it up around Psyche yet. Maybe my suspicions were just that. I nodded to myself as I made my way over to the familiar apartment that was anything but a normal apartment.

"This is your stop, isn't it Iza-nii?" Psyche smiled at me as his fingers played with mine. Innocent as ever, right? I really didn't know what to think.

"Yep, it is~ Be careful on your way home, okay?" It was probably nothing. Psyche just did weird things…

He gave me a nod and let go of my hand, pausing a bit before tilting his head and looking up at me shyly. I frowned a bit at the look, but was left speechless once again as he leaned in to leave a seemingly harmless kiss on my cheek.

I froze on the spot. The gesture probably wouldn't have meant much if it wasn't for the fact that not too long ago his lips were located somewhere else. What was with this sudden affection?

"Bye, Iza-nii!" He sent me a wave before bounding off into the crowds. For a few seconds I stood there, watching his retreating figure.

Forget what I said! Psyche was a monster too! This whole city must be full of them!

I shook off the shock and quickly made my way into the building. I really needed to talk to someone about this.

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><p>Wah~ I can't have these guys be normal, can I? But no worries. Tsu-san isn't yandere or anything. He's quiet, but he can still silently rage. Not sure if that makes sense...sorry if my Tsugaru sucks. OTL<p>

I may have to edit this later, but I really don't have time now and I wanted to get this posted since I promised it over a week ago. D:

Not sure if I'll be able to reply to reviews anytime soon. I'm rarely ever going to bring my laptop here, so hopefully the internets will be fixed soon. Thanks a lot in advance though! u I wish I could hug each and every one of you!


	6. Past and Present: Aftermath

Oh my, why did no one tell me anon reviews were turned off? It's fixed now! Sorry for the inconvenience.

Speaking of reviews...Almost 60! Gah! The response to last chapter made me BEYOND HAPPY! I want to hug ALL OF YOU! I'm thinking of doing something for the hundredth reviewer. Free one-shot maybe? ouo

I wish I could respond to all of them, but it's hard to do that with a phone and I don't have time to with this laptop and not having internet. OTL I'm sorry! So sorry!

I also apologize for the utter LATENESS of this chapter! Not having internet (we can't pay the bill) affected me more than I thought, and a lot has happened in the past month. I've been kind of stressed and depressed and all around...bleh! On top of that, this chapter was really hard to write for some reason. I want to fix it up more, but I don't want to keep you guys waiting either!

And yes, the next chapter is FINALLY the end of the flashbacks. Seriously. Been going on too long. And luckily, the angst will slow down with it...for a while anyways. C:

There's probably mistakes and if so, please tell me. I kind of rushed in posting this and haven't had time to edit it.

Thanks in advance for reading~! Rabu you guys!

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><p>Love is such a complicated emotion, as well as an unbelievably versatile one. It comes in so many different flavors and can mean a thousand different things. This can make the emotion itself both intriguing and confusing.<p>

Families, friends and lovers... don't we all claim to love these people? And yet when we say we love them, they barely mean the same thing. You don't love your family the same way you love a person you see as a significant other. Well, unless you're me. But lets not get into that quite yet, shall we?

Anyway, there are more than just 3 types of love. Actually, each love has thousands of sub-genres when you think about it. For example, you can say you love your family, but do you love your siblings the same way you love an aunt? Siblings are more likely to be closer, and infinity more_ there_ than a distant relative would be. You may love them both, but the love you feel for your siblings would definitely be a lot stronger, and more real than most other family members.

This is the same with friends as well. The type of love you find in a friend can be really simple or complicated, border-lining on being in love. People say "I love you" to their friends all the time, but the meaning can be totally different depending on how close that friend is. Say if a not-so-close friend decides to buy you a present, something you really want. You may just blurt out an excited "I love you!" in the middle of all the "thank yous" and the "Oh my god, you did NOTs!" Now compare that to the "I love you" said to a best friend who may had just helped you out in a serious ordeal or situation. No, you're not in love with them, but you feel extremely close to them. A connection that can only be described as a friendly love.

Now, if friends and family can have different levels of love, then why can't it be the same for being in love? I never really understood why being in love has to be so limited to just one person, when really you could be in love with many people at the same time! All for different reasons! Yes, this type of love is much stronger than the others, making it much harder to _feel._ But that still doesn't explain why it's generally seen as impossible to be in love, and I mean REALLY be in love, with two people.

Is it really so strange to be _in_ love with two people at the same time? I don't think so.

Though I love these two people very much, I can't deny that my love for each of them differs greatly. One of them is more of a possessive love. An obsession, really. It's different than almost any other love a normal person would feel. It was born of curiosity and envy. It's sadistic and selfish. And honestly? It's probably unhealthy for the both of us. Although I know that it is, it doesn't stop me from pursuing it. Not at all! In fact, the risks involved are part of what makes it such a fun and exciting love!

Ah, but then there's the other person. It's funny really, when I think of him. It's obvious that the feeling is mutual, and if I were to give in to it... it may just fix everything, wouldn't it? Well, it'll give a certain stupid, red-eyed brunette the push he needs to actually DO something. After all, I wouldn't be a factor anymore. And he's smart and crafty. He'd be able to figure something out.

Back on subject, though, this second love is what I would consider "true" love. It's not tainted or sick. It's the type of love you see in movies and books. You know, with all the blushing and stammering? The ones that give you diabetes and makes you sick to your stomach, but in a good way? It's pure and simple, and I wouldn't doubt for a fact that maybe we really were meant for each other. After all, he seems to get me a little bit better than the others. Just a little though.

I know I can only have one. It would be really nice to have both...I mean just thinking about being with both of them makes me all giddy! But it won't happen. It'll just make things too complicated and awkward between us. Which is where my problem comes in. Who am I supposed to go for?

Well, that may not be the best way to say it...I know who I SHOULD be with, but what about what I want? I want to have a taste, just a little, of what it would be like to indulge in the forbidden. More than a taste if I can. And I know I can pull it off. After all, he thinks he's got me all wrapped around his finger when in reality it's the other way around! I bet if I just asked to fuck him senseless, he'd let me. Well, he'd probably give me a weird look first... and ask a thousand questions...but he'd still let me! And I bet I could even top him too!

What? You don't believe me? Hmph, well we'll see about that! But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Back on subject, (I should really stop getting carried away) this is the dilemma I now face. Who to choose, who to choose... Mm, what do you think? If I can't figure out a solution soon...

...Then I may just have to do things the bad way, and take them both.

Now won't that be fun?

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><p><strong>Psyche's POV <strong>

I think I confused Iza-nii a bit that day. Or a lot. Who knows? Either way, it was definitely fun.

I kept licking my lips, savoring the taste of him before it faded away. People stared at me as I broke out into little fits of giggles, not being able to contain the utter glee as I thought of Iza-nii's beautiful face contorted in confusion and curiosity. Maybe I went a bit too far? I mean, it was his fault anyways! Looking like he was being turned on by the Ootoro, blushing and biting his gorgeous lips, Licking them in a way that made me want to devour them instead of sushi. I couldn't hide my desire, and tried my best to fall into the kiss in a way that would hopefully keep up this silly facade.

And I did, but it was so much more than I expected! It was warm and shocking and I swear my spine was trembling in excitement! Ah, the way he silently gasped when my lips met his! The way he practically melted beneath me! I wish it could have gone on forever. I wish it would become something so much more than a simple kiss.

And that? All of it? Nothing compared to when he actually responded. When he kissed me back, I almost died right then and there! So much more than I expected, and it left me starving and craving for more of that taste. It felt like something had suddenly exploded inside of me. Something that has made me become addicted to that flavor that can only be described as Izaya.

I closed my eyes, running that moment over and over in my mind until I was sure the grin on my face would split it in half. I was very happy. More happy than I had been in a while. And I was also more sure than I had ever been.

I would make Izaya _mine._ I couldn't stop. Not after what happened. I wanted him, and that was that. Fuck Shizuo, and Tsugaru can wait a little longer. I needed this more than I needed to breathe. A kiss was hardly enough to satiate this indescribable hunger, and Shizuo-san would never have any idea about what he was missing out on. His loss, my gain! One man's trash is another man's treasure, and so on~

Not that you can compare Iza-nii with trash, of course. He was a diamond in the rough in my eyes. Compared to everyone else, he was a diamond among dirt.

I looked up to the sky with newfound vigor, letting the blue color soothe my mood and the white fluffy clouds seemed to be dancing to the music bouncing from my headphones. I grinned at them, wishing that I could fly up and dance with them.

"Oof! Owie…" Of course, staring at the sky was probably a stupid thing to do in the middle of the crowded shopping districts in Ikebukuro. My face had knocked into something soft and squishy. It was comfy and I kind of wanted to stay there, but when I looked up I was met with icy blue eyes that almost wiped that smile off my face. Almost.

I had walked right into the nice, firm breasts of what could possibly be considered my arch enemy. Looking up at her and resisting the urge to vomit, I grinned up at the blonde, Russian beauty. Vorona was her name, and she was a classmate who's intelligence rivaled that of Izaya's, and who's strength was almost as frightening as Shizuo's, though no one could compete with _his _monstrous power.

Vorona. She was feared by many, but it wasn't a secret that most the boys in Raira yearned for her. She could take her pick of any one of them! But no, she decided to stick to a particular one like a bloody leech. I could even see myself like her too if it wasn't for this one flaw. Yes, she would actually make a pretty interesting friend. Even though she was very cold and often showed little to no emotion, she was generally a nice person as long as you didn't pick a fight with her.

Something I try my best not to do.

"Psyche-san. How very unanticipated to see you here in this part of city. Maybe searching for musical commodities to occupy your time? Remarkable."

Oh. Her speech pattern. It was another strange quality to her, that she had no accent but spoke with the most awkward Japanese. It was both appealing and annoying.

"Vorona-chan!" The name tasted like acid on my tongue, but I let the sickeningly sweet sound of my voice glide across the air. It sounded perfect and kind, just like normal.

"Ah, no I'm not looking for CDs or anything. At least, I think that's what you were asking." I tilted my head to the side in a questioning manner, looking up thoughtfully. "I was just out getting sushi with nii-san! We had to split up, though. He had a meeting." This time, I let a pout fall on my face. It wasn't fake either. I really wanted to play with Iza-nii more.

She simply nodded with the slightest hint of a smile on her face. Ah, I wished I could fully hate her. But it's kind of hard to hate your rival when they're not actually a bitch. Especially when they genuinely seemed interested in becoming friends with you.

"What about you, Vorona-chan? Why are you here?" I let my smile mask the slightest hint of suspicion.

Her eyes widened a bit, not used to people being so casual as to ask what she's doing. Her face quickly went back into it's neutral position as she explained her situation.

"With Heiwajima-san." She said simply. I had to stop myself from glaring. Of course she was with him.

Yes, Vorona and the Heiwajima brothers. She had grown up with them, their first meeting being at a martial arts school for kids that the brothers had attended throughout elementary school and up to the present. When paired with Shizuo-san, what she lacked in strength was made up for with skill. This often led to breath-taking sparring matches between the two.

Nothing that really should grate on my nerves at first glance, but there is one tiny detail that I couldn't help but steam over. And that is that she just happened to be Tsugaru's _best friend._ Besides myself, of course. Point being that she was almost closer to him then I was! It doesn't help that she also got to see more of the blonde then I did. They take most their classes together, and while me and Tsugaru took our music lessons together, him often writing the songs with me singing, she got him for both martial arts and writing courses. And it was no secret to me that she knew a lot more of his secrets than I did. Despite our closeness, he never really confided in me with anything. No, there was sweet _perfect _Vorona for that.

Which brings me up to my thoughts at that moment. Why did she get to hang out with him the one afternoon he had free? Why wasn't I invited? What was this? Some secret rendezvous between secret lovers where they shared all their secret secrets and laughed at the obliviousness of certain pink-eyed boys who got to take no part in it?

Okay, so maybe I was overreacting. But still. It annoyed me.

Lets look at this from different angle. Something less infuriating…

She was with Tsu-san. Alone. In one of the most busiest streets of Ikebukuro. In an area where boys often take girls out on dates in hopes of getting lucky.

Wait, that wasn't helping either.

She looked around suddenly, eyes darting between the various shops on the street. "Momentarily not present. Pity." She frowned as if disappointed.

My eye twitched a little.

"Well that's too bad." I grinned a bit too widely, lacing my arm with hers. "We'll just have to go find him then!" I was _not_ going to let them run around the city alone. Call it selfish if you want. Call me a possessive little prick, even. Tsu-san was off limits. No matter what, he was mine.

Ignoring her startled expression, I quickly dragged her down the street, glancing around for the slightest hint of blue and blonde. It didn't take long, of course. Tsugaru is kind of hard to miss. I felt myself relax as my eyes rested on his calm face, staring down at a bunch of pastries in a display at a nearby bakery. Giggling happily, I skipped into the bakery with Vorona stumbling behind, the smell of delicious baked goods greeting us.

"Tsu-san~!"

He jumped a bit, looking away from the sweets and smiling as his eyes met mine. Those cool blue hues were filled with happiness and love, a look that he only ever gave to _me _and I couldn't help but bathe in that knowledge as I sent him one of my most dazzling grins. He was as handsome as ever, not that I expected his appearance to change in the few hours we had been apart after school. Still, his brilliance was amazing.

Immediately, I let go of the blonde girl's arm in favor of attaching myself to Tsugaru's waist, burying my head in his uniform to take in that natural scent that reminded me of winter and snow covered trees. Despite that, the sensation made me feel warm and fuzzy.

I felt him shake a bit as he chuckled, not at all surprised by my affectionate behavior. And why should he be? This is completely a normal, Psyche-ish thing to do. I've always been touchy, and no, that doesn't bother him one bit.

I felt a hand bury itself in my hair and I decided that it felt really nice, so I leaned in towards the warmth. We didn't need to say anything, it was just nice to relax into each other's presence. Eventually, I reluctantly pulled away, but kept him close by clutching onto his uniform. I wasn't quite ready to physically part from him as of yet.

Still smiling, his eyes went from me to Vorona, which caused his expression to change into something shy and apologetic as he bowed his head to do so.

"I'm sorry, Vorona-san, for separating so suddenly." He looked over to the display of various pastries, looking thoughtful for a second before continuing. "I wanted to bring Shizuo something to eat for when he gets out of his session with Dr. Kishitani. He's always a bit more irritable after anger management…" His voice trailed off, him staring distractedly at the choices of sweets.

I frowned and moved just a little bit so that instead of clutching his clothes, I could lace my fingers with his, the skin cool against mine. "Poor Shizuo-san..." I let out a sigh and glanced over at the sweets. "How about those?" I pointed over to some strawberry tarts with my free hand.

Knowing that I had a better idea of what Shizuo-san liked than he did, he smiled in satisfaction as he studied the treats and ordered some all while never letting go of my hand, to my satisfaction.

"Thank you, Psyche." He sent me an impossibly handsome smile, and I found myself smiling back and blushing as little butterflies decided to viciously tear away at my insides. I wondered if I gave him the same feelings he gave me. I hoped I did.

Hah, what am I saying? I _knew _I did.

"Anything for you, Tsu-san." I grinned and swung our arms back and forth, suddenly remembering Vorona standing not-too-awkwardly close by.

"So, what are you planning for today? I want to hang out with Tsu-san and Vorona-chan too!"

Tsu-san's smile widened at this, and I felt my heart skip a little. "That's fine with me, Psyche. We were really just walking around town."

"Oh?" I giggled, amused at the simplicity of it all. "Well, a walk sounds great if it's with Tsu-san. Oh! Maybe we can go see a movie? There's some really good ones out right now… Ah, but are you interested in any? Or maybe we can get some ice cream? Unless you're not hungry… Mm… how about an arcade? Oh wait, you don't like those sort of things…" I bit my lip nervously, fidgeting a bit. Great, so now we're hanging out…but I couldn't think of anything to do that Tsugaru would like. What now? I didn't want to bore him...

He laughed as he grabbed the bag of tarts, and started leading us outside. Sending me a calm smile to try and help me relax, he rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. "Why don't we just continue walking and see what comes up?" He looked up at the sky, the blue doing nothing to compare with his eyes and his tan skin and pale hair almost glowing in the setting sun. "I'm sure we'll find something to do."

I almost missed his words, stunned by his almost supernatural radiance. He doesn't even have to try to succeed in giving me a loss for words. Even when I finally comprehend what he said, I can't say anything because I'm to busy trying too compose myself and make it so I _don't _look like a complete idiot in front of him. It isn't fair, sometimes, what he does to me.

And once again, I was reminded of how selfish I was. As well as how that selfishness would drive my current plans. And more so how it will effect the end.

I can't have them both. I know I can't. Yes, I may be able to keep them for a while, but something will break and I may end up with neither. Or at the very least, with one of them completely missing from my life. Even attempting to have them both at the same time would most likely end in a way where _someone _has to lose and in this game, I intend to let everyone win in the end. Somehow.

But the problem still remained. Who do I choose? Where do I begin? I can't have them both but I couldn't live without them either. Should I just let go of my obsession over Iza-nii and pursue Tsugaru? That would be the right thing to do, wouldn't it?

Or I could fuck everything and let myself enjoy the forbidden ecstasy that stems from my love and admiration for Izaya? And that relationship wouldn't be completely lust-driven. I really do love him, even if it's different than what I feel for Tsugaru.

I can't have them both.

Or can I?

* * *

><p><em><strong>After the Crash<strong>  
><em>

_Have I ever mentioned on how much I hate the dark?_

_A childish fear, I know. One that I should have grown out of by now. And I try, I really do, to overcome this fear, but even now I sometimes have to slip into my brothers room in the middle of the night to find solace in hiding from all the little sounds that make me jump and keep me from sleeping._

_It's worse when I have nightmares. As soon as I open my eyes from one, I am greeted with the same darkness that would come with death. It shakes me up and sometimes I have to remember that this isn't the nightmare. I am awake and the dream is over. I still have to force myself to move just to reach for the light, shaking hands frantically searching for the switch._

_This wasn't much different. Only, the nightmare was the darkness. No matter what, I couldn't rid myself of it. It was suffocating and I felt myself going mad in what had to be my own mind. Was I sleeping? Why couldn't I open my eyes? Was I dead?_

_The pain was what made it even worse. A dull throbbing that sometimes became blissful numbness for unknown amounts of time before it came back again, often making me want to cry but I couldn't._

_That time could only be described as a nightmare. The only thing that kept me hoping was the soft hum of voices that sometimes pierced the dark. It was hard to understand the words, but they proved that I was still alive. _

_Still. I wanted it to end. I wanted to wake up and I wanted the pain to stop. _

_And then it did. It all just faded away into a sweet melody that would make any bedtime monster disappear into a cloud of smoke._

* * *

><p><em>It was a song. I can't remember the words now, but I remember wanting to see what was making that sweet sound. I begged my body to move, and eventually I managed to succeed in opening my eyes. This task was much harder than it should have been, but I was greeted by blinding whiteness that made me tear up. The headache that came with it was kind of irritating, but at least the darkness had finally left me.<em>

_I wanted to smile and vocally celebrate my victory, but everything hurt like you wouldn't believe. The pain wasn't nearly as much in the darkness, but now that my mind was catching up with the rest of the world, it was insane._

_Despite this I turned my eyes and head, just slightly, to the source of the sound. I was almost left breathless with the sight. Tsugaru was sitting just beside my bed, Shizuo sleeping peacefully on his shoulder. Tsugaru was stroking his hair affectionately, singing something soft and calm, but somehow cheerful and light. His voice was a pure, deep, baritone that I'm sure would make most girls fall on their knees and worship that melody._

_It was so indescribably hauntingly beautiful, and yet so natural and simple. I felt my lips twitch into as much of a smile as they could form, my face suddenly feeling tight as the bandages restricted movement. I wanted to say his name, but didn't dare in fear of upsetting the mood._

_I didn't have to, though. He soon stopped singing and glanced over at me, not expecting me to be awake of course. A glance, and then back to looking down at his brother calmly. His face suddenly changed as realization hit him like a vending machine, and his head snapped so fast to look at me again that I could almost hear it. I wished I could giggle at the almost comical expression of shock he wore._

"_Psyche…?" It was breathless and almost too quiet to hear. Reaching out he gently stroked my cheek, the shock soon melting into tears. Within seconds his arms were wrapped around me, and he was leaning over to give me a hug, still managing to be careful with my injuries. This of course, started a chain reaction as Shizuo woke up, angrily glaring at his former pillow before realization hit him too and he was on his feet before anyone could do anything._

"_Psyche!" He said loud enough to stir up attention in the room, and I was shocked to see that pretty much everyone was there. My dad and sisters were sitting not too far from my bed as well as some of my friends. Masaomi was almost falling over himself to run over to the bed with Mikado close behind, and Anri smiling sweetly in the corner. Even Shinra was there, though he was sitting over by the other bed , one of those stupid grins on his face as he watched everyone react._

_All of this was forgotten when I stared at the other figure sitting up in the bed next to Shinra, and I almost jumped out of my own in order to embrace him. Izaya was here, and suddenly I didn't care who else was in the room. I didn't care that I was in pain or that everyone was talking, asking me questions. I ignored all of that because Izaya was looking at me. _

_The glee that should have come never did though. He wasn't smiling. I could see the relief in his eyes, but the sorrow in them too nearly broke my heart. I could figure out on my own that I was sleeping for quite a while. And something had happened during that time. Something important and I needed to know what it was because it was hurting him again and I just can't stand that._

_As beautiful as that sad face was, it was eating at me and I needed to know why._

* * *

><p><em>It wasn't long before friends and family were replaced by doctors. Check up after check up, I patiently awaited answers unable to speak because I was just too weak and too tired to move. All that sleeping, and you would expect to be wide awake. Once things began to calm down, and everyone was allowed to re-enter the room, dad was the one who decided to fill me in. Everyone else was silent.<em>

_He told me about the crash and how mom didn't make it. I could have cried, and I wanted to, but it was like my body was just too heavy and weak to even form a tear. I loved her so much back then. We both did, Izaya and I. Despite this, I was glad for dad breaking the news to me now instead of waiting for later when the drugs wouldn't be able to let me hold back in mourning. _

_But this was overshadowed by another piece of information._

_They knew. All of them. About what Izaya had said before the crash. And they weren't too happy about it._

_Dad explained to me, probably expecting me not to remember, about the events that lead up to the crash. In his point of view of course. And it sickened me. The way he referred to Izaya as "that child" and the way he didn't even try to hide the hatred he felt for his own son. _

_He wasn't the only one. Everyone was more than willing to help paint Izaya as some sort of villain, a demon. _

"_He's such a selfish bastard!"_

"_It's his fault! All of it!"_

_Shut up…_

"_We're sorry, Psy-san for what he said."_

"_Kill kill kill kill kill…"_

_Stop it…_

'_Psy-nii didn't deserve this! Mom should still be…"_

"_Iza-nii. Unforgivable."_

"_I hate that damn flea!"_

_Why won't everyone just shut the FUCK UP! I wanted them to STOP!_

_But it didn't stop. And the hatred kept flowing. The only ones who remained silent were Shinra, Tsugaru, and Izaya himself. I wished I had the strength to speak. To tell them that it wasn't his fault. It was everyone else's. If they all hadn't hurt him so much then he wouldn't have snapped. He wouldn't have said those things and none of this would have happened._

_I hated them so much at that moment. Hated them for judging him and hurting him. It wasn't fair. None of them could understand and they weren't even trying…_

_I despised them so much it made me cry, which I didn't think was possible at that time, my eyes burning and my mouth opening to try to say something, anything, to make them stop._

_Seeing this, Tsugaru caught on quickly and proceeded to force everyone out of the room, claiming that I needed more time to rest and they could all return later. Glancing around the room, I saw everyone sending me sympathetic looks. All except for Shinra, and I wanted to hug him so bad for the way he was stroking Izaya's hair, my brother turned away from me and everyone else. At least someone wasn't being stupid…_

_Tsugaru sent me an apologetic look, though whether that was for my condition or the situation I wasn't sure. Still, it made me feel much better and I attempted to smile. I wanted the sad atmosphere to go and I wanted to be alone with Izaya. He and Shinra soon left, granting me that wish._

_I turned to look at Izaya's back, him still refusing to turn and look in my direction. Once again, I tried to speak. This time to tell him that it's okay, I'm here, and I could never hate you._

_No sound escaped and I felt like screaming in despair. I studied him as his shoulders trembled and shook. He wasn't crying. He never really cried. But that didn't stop his body from showing that he wanted to._

_I laid there helplessly, tears finally falling as I gazed at him. Silently I cried for him until I had fallen back into the darkness._

* * *

><p><em>I woke up again not too long after, in the heat of an argument that would affect more than I ever thought it would.<em>

_It was a familiar sound. Dad yelling at Izaya and Izaya taunting him in the way that he ddi best. It was still during my silent days, so of course I couldn't intervene._

"_Don't you feel any remorse at all? Your brother could have died! Your mother did die! Don't you feel anything?"_

"_That would require a heart, and according to you I don't have one. So I guess I don't care!" I didn't have to look to know that he was grinning._

"_Damn it Izaya! This isn't a game! Do you have any idea what you have done?"_

_"I caused a car crash which lead to the death of Kanra Orihara and the hospitalization of Psyche Orihara. It's not like I'm stupid or something."_

_I heard something hit the wall, hard enough to maybe crack it. It made me flinch and I had to pray it wasn't Izaya._

"_Oh! How scary! What if that was my head? With police and doctors swarming us, it would be a shame to get child services involved as well. Not to mention the bill that has to be coming with you breaking hospital equipment. Ne, I wonder if we would be taken away from you. Me and your precious Psyche and daughters as well. I can't say I would be disappointed."_

_It was silent for a few seconds, dad probably trying his best not to actually attack Izaya right there in the middle of the hospital room. _

"_Izaya." His voice was grave and serious, threatening. "This will not continue. Your behavior is unacceptable." He was trying to sound like a father. Too bad it was entirely devoid of any kind of loving authority._

"_I will get you a therapist. One that will fix that sick personality of yours and set you straight, you hear me? And I swear to god, if you do anything to like this again, or if you refuse to see the doctor I'll hire for you, I will throw you out on the streets faster than you can blink. Stop being a selfish asshole and take responsibility for the things you have done!"_

_He didn't wait for a response. He immediately stormed out of the room angrily, door slamming behind him loudly._

_I was going to open my eyes. I should have, and I should have said something to Izaya. Dad couldn't see that he was hurting him, but I didn't have to look to know that Izaya was shaking again. Maybe it was some sort of twin thing, but I could feel it. He was hurting._

"_I know exactly what I've done, dad."_

_His voice stopped me from making a single movement. It was shaky, weak. It was nothing like Izaya, completely devoid of amusement or playfulness. It was dead and serious and beyond sad._

_I heard movement which was soon followed by hesitant steps. Closer…closer… Once again I couldn't get myself to move. I felt a hand brush through my hair and something wet fell onto my cheek that made my heart stop instantly._

"_I'm sorry, Psyche…" _

_I wanted to scream that no, Izaya, you have nothing to be sorry for._

* * *

><p><em>Days. It took days for me to be able to speak, and during that time dad had convinced the doctors to move Iza-nii into a separate room. I was pissed.<em>

_I didn't show them that I was though. I kept silent, using the excuse of injuries and exhaustion. I didn't want to talk to them. I decided not to ruin my innocent façade by not-so-kindly cursing them out and remained silent. I waited for my body to heal so that I could go looking for Izaya._

_Eventually the visits slowed down, most of the time it being just me and Tsugaru in the room. He kept talking, even when I refused to, about the most meaningless things. I thanked him every time too, for keeping my mind off of the drama that surrounded us._

_During one of these visits, he decided to chose a different subject. One much more serious then the sweets Shizuo-san wanted to buy for me or how it hadn't stopped raining since I'd been there._

"_He refuses to leave." He looked at me meaningfully. "Izaya-san, I mean. His injuries have mostly healed, and he can leave anytime he wants. He refuses to leave until you are well. He wants to make everything up to you."_

_I grit my teeth. Make up for what? I don't blame him. Not one bit. It hit me then that I could speak this and that Tsugaru wouldn't judge me if I defended him. So I did._

_"Iza-nii doesn't have to make up anything to me." It was still a little hard to get the words out, but I managed._

_Tsu-san looked at me, blue eyes surprised to hear what I was saying but he didn't speak up to try and convince me otherwise._

"It wasn't his fault." I smiled up at him, losing myself in those eyes that made it so easy to speak my mind. "He was hurting too, you know. I know you know. I don't blame him for what happened and I don't want anyone else to either!"

_He stared at me after that. Maybe minutes had passed before he started to smile and laugh, the look on his face making me blush. He leaned down gave me the lightest of kisses on my forehead, making my lungs stop working momentarily. Stroking my hair in the way he did with Shizuo-san days before, he continue to speak, calmly._

"_Maybe you're right, Psy-chan. People do many things for different reasons, and Izaya-san is no different." He looked up thoughtfully before smiling back down at me. "He loves you a lot. I can see that much. I guess… that fact alone has already allowed me to forgive him, even if it's only a little."_

_His words made my smile even more prominent. Yes, this is the man I was in love with, and this was why. Always open-minded and seeing past the surface, Tsugaru was perfect. I knew he wouldn't hate Iza-nii, and that made him perfect._

* * *

><p>The sun was barely peeking over the buildings of Ikebukuro, setting the sky on fire. The clouds were filled with pinks and oranges and yellows, and the day had been flawless.<p>

Vorona had parted with us not too long ago, and we were walking down the streets. Still hand in hand and me talking, feeling like we had all the time in the world. I kept thinking on how much I treasured moments like these when things were simple and sweet between us. I felt like we were lovers, and maybe in a way we were.

It was then that I had decided on what I would do. Yes, I loved Iza-nii very much. But really, I couldn't stand to see or even think of Tsugaru being with someone else. I had decided, at that moment, that in the end I would choose Tsugaru because it was right in so many different ways. We were right for each other and our relationship would set the world straight again.

But. There is always a but isn't there? I am a very selfish person. And how I love risks. I love danger and complications, and, oh, do I love Izaya.

Just because I am choosing Tsugaru, doesn't mean I can't have my fun in the meantime. Yes, Tsugaru can wait. How long, I don't know. He can wait though. Because I needed Izaya's taste, and to feel him, before I lost that chance forever. And it wasn't even going to be a challenge getting him.

Iza-nii is very lonely, you see. And desperate. And he did love me, although probably not in the same way I loved him. Still, he would do anything to keep me loving him. Anything.

And that included pursuing a more-than-twins relationship with me. Oh yes, I was going to have him. Even if it was only for a little while.

The only thing was planning it out… deciding on when to make my move.

Well, actually, I would have to make that move sooner than I had expected.

* * *

><p>I pouted as I saw the house getting closer and closer. I didn't want the afternoon to end, but I wanted to get started on wooing Izaya at the same time. Still, I wanted more time with Tsugaru.<p>

I felt the grip on my hand tighten, Tsugaru probably feeling the same way. I leaned into him a bit, grinned, and looked up at him in the cutest way I could.

"I had fun today, Tsu-san!" The blush on his cheeks was enough to make me giggle, and I leaned up to place an innocent, friendly, kiss on those red cheeks.

"Let's do this again soon, okay?" Looking hopeful I let go of his hand to wrap my arms around his neck.

He swallowed, blush deepening slightly at the closeness of our faces, and the look he had was making my stomach turn. It was hot, his gaze, filled with desire that I knew I could satisfy. He licked his lips, his tongue accidentally brushing against mine, and we both held our breathes.

"Yes, let's…" A response entirely too late, but I'm not hearing him. I'm staring at those soft pink lips and feeling his arm wrap around my waist, his free hand resting on my cheek. This is so not according to plan, but there was no way I was stopping it. Not when he was looking like that.

Leaning closer I felt his breath brush against my lips, a minty scent along with it. So close, so close… and…wait…

My phone.

We both froze, centimeters away from each other and eyes wide. Somehow getting my senses back I jumped about ten feet away trying to find words in between the frantic heartbeat pounding in my ears.

"Ah! O-oh…sorry I…um…that was …eh… haha!" I grinned sheepishly and quickly yanked out my phone, almost ready to stomp on it for ruining… whatever that was.

Tsu-san was in no better condition, face still red as he suddenly jumped and took out his own phone.

I wondered why we were both receiving a message at the same time, and opened my phone to see the contents.

It was a Dollars message, one sent by one of the female members. What was her name? Erica?

Curiously I opened the e-mail…

And nearly dropped the phone.

Oh. My. God. What? How did she…when did…

I couldn't look at Tsugaru. I couldn't look at anything except the picture. Any hope I had at keeping this whole thing a secret was ruined, and I wasn't at all mad about it.

I forced myself to not grin. This…this was going to make things interesting.

The photo was taken a Russia Sushi only a few hours ago. And it involved my tongue being somewhere stuck in Izaya's throat. Okay, so there wasn't THAT much tongue involved, but you couldn't tell from the picture.

I could have laughed really. I would have… but…

I tore my gaze away from the phone, suddenly aware that Tsugaru was a dollars member and he did take out his phone. He was looking at the phone, wide-eyed, jaw on the floor.

Then he looked at me. Searching my face for an explanation, anything.

I didn't say anything. I just continued to blush, pocket my phone, and walked inside the house leaving him confused in the middle of the street.

As soon as the door closed, I grinned.

Oh, this was going to be _fun._

* * *

><p>I hope this chapter wasn't too bad...I had so much trouble writing it, but it was lovely too! Writing in Psyche's POV is exciting~!<p>

Also, for those that asked, yes. There will be PsyIza. A lot of it.

I'll attempt to update again before Nekocon. Til then, PEACE OUT~! _  
><em>


	7. Past and Present: Funeral

Reasons why I haven't updated:

Lazy and I lacked motivation

Lack of internet for a while

Got a tumblr

Rped as Neku Sakuraba (November - April)

Got into Homestuck (April til now)

And being busy for random amounts of time

And then proceeded to be obsessed with new fandom.

:| I'm sorry. And this chapter is rushed and kind of short and I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP ON THIS STORY and suddenly I feel like writing it a lot again.

So look forward to faster updates? :D

Thanks for staying with me, if you have! I really am sorry for the wait, and I apologize that this chapter isn't as good as I wanted it to be.

Very few people can control me.

Actually, it's a near impossible feat. I'm too clever, too knowing to be tricked. In order for me to obey another human being, they have to have my respect. And _that_ is hard to earn. The number of people that fit the quota could be counted on one hand. I know. I'm cocky. I know. I'm arrogant. But why shouldn't I be? And why would I abide by anyone's rules if they were beneath me?

With that said, there are those who hold more power over me then I'd like to admit. Or really, it kind of comes down to one person. Almost a father, but not quite. Better than my own, at least. And if the man had never entered my life, well... I don't want to think about how I would have turned out without him.

He taught me how to control my emotions. Not just control them, but keep them hidden. He taught me how to be strong, and he's protected me for years. I had already gained talent in these things before even meeting him, but he helped perfect my gift.

As it was then, when I was still a teenager, he barely sought the need to actually control me. Taking care of me was more of a favor that he got paid for. It kept my dad off my back, and strangely enough, gave me someone to actually talk to. Whether he ever listened or not could have been debated, but he never told me to be quiet either. And hey, I was thankful for that.

"Shiki-san!" I practically sang as I entered the room, two men in black suits closing the door behind me. It was quiet, and the man wasn't anywhere in sight, so I knew he must have been busy.

With a shrug, I made my way to the stylish leather couch, careful not to touch any of the commodities in the room. There were a few objects that looked new and expensive. A vase was sitting on the desk not far from the couch, and I was certain it wasn't there the last visit. It's funny, but he never seemed like the type for home decoration.

I knew it might be some time before he actually arrived. I wouldn't have been shocked if he had even forgotten about today being the meeting day. Sometimes, it would seem like he thought I wasn't really there when he was around. It never bothered me. But now I wanted to talk...

I couldn't get my brother's actions out of my mind. I'm normally skilled at figuring people out, but this time I just wasn't sure. Nothing added up. Psyche is stupid, but he isn't that stupid. And that kiss was far from innocent. I couldn't figure out what was on his mind. I knew he was attached to me, but how much?

The door opened as I was mentally rambling, and I turned my head to be greeted with the sight of a middle-aged Shiki. He sent me a fleeting glance, of which I returned with a grin, and then he proceeded to his desk area, not wasting a second to open his laptop and get straight to working on whatever he normally worked on.

"Shiki-san! Good afternoon." I didn't expect him to respond, so I slipped off the couch and strolled over to his desk.

Another glance was sent as I leaned over. I saw him grimace at my close proximity, and it almost made me laugh. Getting under his skin was a fun little hobby for me, so long as I didn't irritate him too much.

"Orihara-kun, do you mind?"

"No, not at all. You can keep working."

He groaned and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. After a pause he pushed the laptop to the side, and glared over at me. I continued smiling.

"What do you want?"

"Oh, nothing... just a little advice."

I settled myself on the desk, pointedly ignoring the glare I receive because of it. Sure, it's chilling. Frightening, maybe. But I had an idea of how far I could push him. He wasn't going to shoot at me for sitting on his desk, and I had no intention of moving.

A part of me did fear Shiki. How could I not? The man was powerful, more so than you could imagine. But there was something, and I didn't know what that something was, that kept him from kicking me out. Probably the same thing that made him take me in the first place.

* * *

><p><strong>4 Years ago<strong>

_The funeral was held around the time me and Psyche came out of the hospital, and were fully recovered. I hadn't spoken to him since before the accident. I didn't want to. I didn't think I deserved to. I guess it kind of hurt, knowing that he held no anger at me for what happened. After all, out of everyone, he should have been pissed. But no, Psyche never had it in him to hate anyone._

_So I went on avoiding him, even after we returned home. I often heard him sobbing behind the locked door of my room, but I never opened it. I believe he fell asleep behind there a few times, but I never saw him there when I went on my nightly expeditions to the kitchen for food. Cutting myself off from everyone else was my way of coping. Keep my heart hidden, my feelings locked, and no one could hurt me further. They all thought I didn't care, and I didn't want to give them reasons to know that I did._

_I had a lot of nightmares back then as well. It was all trauma from the accident. I try not to think about those dreams now. Seeing Psyche's bloodied face wasn't a pleasant thing, let alone mom's eyes, which were open but lifeless. I had a hard time waking up from those horrible dreams, but at least I didn't have a hard time sleeping. Surprisingly. It was hard to do anything else when I was locked in my room for indefinite amounts of time._

_Not too long after we came back, the funeral had been all planned out and taken care of. Many of our distant relatives, people I had never even seen, suddenly came from all over the world just to pay their respects to our mother. This was just a small taste of the unfamiliar crowd I'd be forced to face during that time._

_So the funeral came on a Saturday afternoon, and I'll never forget my initial confusion. Everyone couldn't have been relatives. There were just too many, and some of the men who looked more serious didn't seem to be there to grieve. Something about the way they stood and the way they dressed just didn't fit. _

_I kept wondering if maybe they were friends of my mother, and I probably wouldn't have been too far off. They were all men, rich looking men, and some of them did go to view the casket. They could be co-workers as well. We never really found out what my mother did for a living, but she often went out in fancy dresses when she left for 'business.' It was shocking. I thought I was seeing a side to her life that I've never noticed before._

_It was hard to think about any of that, though. Because out of respect and necessity, I was forced to walk with Psyche the whole time. It was awkward and silent. He didn't say a thing at first, which was strange, since he had been trying to contact me since we'd gotten back. Maybe it was the circumstances. Why bother speaking to me when we're surrounded by listening ears? People that didn't understand our bond, or how the other boy in the accident forgave his deceitful brother. Maybe he didn't speak to me because of tact. Maybe he didn't because he had nothing to say. I don't know._

_I was somewhat thankful for it, but as the women began to whisper, pointing their fingers in my direction, and the men began to shake their heads in disapproval, I wanted him to say something. Anything, because avoiding people for so many days didn't prepare me for being back in the dark spotlight. Like the introduction of the antagonist during a play, all eyes on the one who's to blame for the hero's turmoil._

_Before long, it was our turn to walk up to our mother's casket. They had dressed her in one of her most stunning black gowns, her hair and make up done as if they weren't just going to rot off within a few months of being underground. She was beautiful, and dead. No one could hide that. They cleaned her up well, but her stillness was still obvious. No sign of breathing, none of the usual little twitches that came with sleep. She was dead. _

_I felt something, then. It might have been guilt, or anger, or sadness. Whatever it was, all warning signs in my head started flashing like police lights. I took a deep breathe, doing everything to numb it down. I almost succeeded too, but then Psyche held my hand and I just broke._

_No tear was shed, but the twisting in my chest and stomach didn't stop throughout the whole event. I didn't try to hide it either, because no one was looking for despair. They wouldn't catch it on my features. Psyche might have, but if he did he didn't show it. I wouldn't mind him anyway._

_Afterward, we made our way to our seats beside the rest of our immediate family. I was almost thankful for the distraction of the funeral itself, because none of them looked at me. My sister's and father's eyes were all locked to the front of the cathedral, glassy and shimmering in tears. _

_I watched as others came up to the casket to pay their respects. Flowers were laid, and people whispered to the corpse as if it was listening. One man, I recognized as Shinra's father, shocked me. He laid a hand on her cheek, as if caressing a lover, and whispered something only she could hear, assuming she could._

_I relaxed against the back of the stand, allowing myself to lean into Psyche just a bit. I felt his hand tighten around mine, and I closed my eyes. _

_I didn't listen to the eulogy, or any of the speakers really. They all thought they knew her, but I didn't think anyone actually did, not even dad. Hard to tell when living with her warm hugs and smiles, but she was a secretive woman. She always kept work and her home life separate._

_But she was still a good mother through and through. That's something I'm not afraid of admitting to have missed. Even if, for the days prior to the crash, she wasn't very motherly towards me, she was still the light of my life growing up. Other than Psyche, anyway. _

_The rest of the event passed in a daze. The casket was laid in the ground while mourners sniffled and sobbed into handkerchiefs that, honestly, seemed a little outdated. Dad was straight faced and still, but tears were obviously streaming down his face despite the proud demeanor. The girls, my sisters, clutched onto each other like life-lines. Kururi's normally solid gaze could not be summed up that day, and no one was surprised to see her crying as loudly and as hard as her sister._

_Psyche didn't cry, which may have been a surprise to me. He stood still, hand in mine, and shook. Maybe he was holding it in, with great effort on his part. Maybe he was just trying to act like me, play the part of the twin. Part of me wanted to tell him that it was already. No one would judge you for crying. Not like the words they'd spout if I did. How dare the devil cry for the angel, what a sin, what a disgrace!_

_I broke away from the crowd, from Psyche, once it was all over. They were gathered around each other discussing dinner, which would be held at my father's. Food was already made, and everyone was bringing a dish. Because, for some odd reason, the only thing to do after something like this is to eat and talk about it. _

_I waited, off to the side and watched as my brother and family were flocked. No need to try and listen in on the conversations. Only meaningless apologies and encouragements would be said. I waited, in hopes of soon escaping it all._

_My dad was talking to one of those men, those that must be there by acquaintanceship, not because they particularly knew my mother, or because they wanted to mourn. I could tell, because his eyes weren't red like the rest of our family and friends. This man was all business, cold and calculating. There were a few others surrounding him, like bodyguards, though it was hard to notice as they were spread out among everyone else. They stared at the man and my father, like hawks._

_A few more words were spoken, and then the man and my father turned towards me. I stiffened, and watched without moving, as they strode in my direction. I didn't let myself show suspicion. In fact, I only gave the image of the utmost confidence. I smiled. Possibly the only one there to pull such a stunt. I smiled, ruthlessly, unlike the child that I was. Show no weakness, I thought. There would be no solace in him knowing that I am weak._

"_Izaya." My father said, all hints of former turmoil gone from his own features. He gestures towards the man. "This gentlemen, right here, is the man your mother hired to be your shrink." My smile fell then. Well fuck. "His name is Shiki. Treat him with respect." He says the last word like a threat, an empty one to me._

_He didn't say anymore than that, but walked away to leave me alone with the mysterious man. I gave no hints of malice on my face, but neither did I show any form of acceptance. His own features were expressionless, and it's a staring match for all of three seconds._

"_It's good meeting you Orihara-san." He said simply, sternly. I didn't answer, or show that I found the formality strange. "Come with me. There's much to discuss."_

_He turned and started walking towards the car park. I hesitated, unsure of following a strange man that I knew nothing about into an area where no one has yet to return. But then, it's not like I couldn't defend myself. I looked back, briefly scanning over Psyche. He glanced at me, obviously worried, but I payed him no heed and instead began trailing the other man._

_When I got there, he was already leaning against a sleek black car, with heavily tinted windows. The make had to be illegal, but who really cared about such things in this day and age?_

"_You'll be coming to my office three times a week. Which days, we'll decide later." He began."What you do during that time, I could care less. I'm not going to play psychologist even if that's what I'm being paid for."_

"_What?" I blinked at him, and then stared in suspicion. What did he mean not a psychologist? Didn't dad just say..._

"_Your mother hired me to get your father off your back for however long it would take for you to be deemed 'cured' in his eyes. There's nothing wrong with you, kid. Of that she was sure."_

_I let that sink in as much as it could. Mom didn't hire a shrink. She hired a guy to act like one. For my sake. I'm not surprised often, but at that moment I couldn't even make sense of what the man was saying. Here I was, thinking that my parents thought me crazy and I might even be put into an asylum. And bam, out of nowhere I find out that it wasn't going to be the case at all._

_I was so mad at the idea of being thought insane. There was nothing to be pissed about. Mom died for nothing. For a moment, I want to cry. Just break down right there in front of this strange man in frustration and anger. It doesn't happen, but I stood there frozen. Unable to speak or think. I was so tired._

_I let the silence set for a while before I smiled up at him, all fake relief and pride. He didn't buy it, but I smiled anyway._

"_It's nice meeting you, Shiki-san." I said politely, ignoring the pounding in my head. _

_He didn't respond. He just turned to go back to the funeral, leaving me without anyway of knowing what was actually in store for me. It would be some time before Shiki began using my services. Even at the time the story is taking place, he still hasn't asked me to preform any tasks for him. After all, I am only a teenager, and what could I offer a yakuza boss?_

_I waited a long time before I returned to Psyche's side. No one expected him to smile or embrace me, not even myself, but I wasn't surprised. I was so used to Psyche's misplaces forms of affection that I hardly took notice. Neither of us spoke, but I knew that he wanted to. Maybe later. For now, I wanted to go home and lock myself in my room for as long as I could. I was tired of everything, most of my irritation because of the information I had found out about my mother. Of course she loved me, I kept thinking. She didn't think me a monster at all._

_When we went home, and everyone followed us, I allowed myself to drop the mask as soon as I closed my door. I didn't have any energy to keep it up. I laid on my bed, face down, and just thought about everything. About mom, about Psyche, and Shizuo. The Heiwajimas weren't able to make the funeral. I was relieved when I found out, and at the same time disappointed. Coping with everything might have been easier of I could let off some steam by fighting with him. _

_I began drifting off into sleep, and I would have if I hadn't heard my door squeal as it was opened. My eyes snapped wide, and I silently cursed myself for not locking the door. Because of how I was facing, the intruder could not see that I was awake. I kept still, kept my breathe even, and hoped they'd assume me asleep. _

_But I heard footsteps coming towards the bed, and they were quiet and hesitant. They stopped just a few inches away._

"_Iza-nii." Psyche's voice peeked up from the silence. "You're awake, aren't you?"_

_I still didn't move, but I relax because Psyche is safe. I moved over slightly, allowing enough room on the bed for him to crawl in. I knew he would, and for once, I could use the comfort. Maybe I was tired of ignoring him and dealing with things alone. Even if I refused to confide in him my thoughts._

_He took the invitation without hesitance, and soon I could feel thin arms wrapping around my waist. I closed my eyes, and allowed myself to breathe. I fell asleep soon after._

* * *

><p><em>The following days saw a huge improvement in both Psyche and I. We were talking again, though it took a while for us to get back to normal. I was no longer acting like a little ass to him in sudden appreciation over the fact that he trusted me, and always has. He harbored no ill feelings towards me for what happened, and he was the only one who felt that way. We fell back into our same pattern of being the close and inseparable team that we once were, to the annoyance of everyone else. I reveled in it, because no matter what happened, I knew that Psyche would never be closer to anyone than he was to me.<em>

_The jealousy never left, though. When we returned to school, that much had became obvious. Shizuo and Tsugaru still treated Psyche like he was the most precious thing on this earth. I once again attempted to try and get over this, but I never could. I've learned to live with it over the past years, allowing it to simmer in the back of my mind._

_The only real change, though, were my so called therapy sessions. Shiki took shit from no one, not even me, so at first I just spent the time watching his TV and sometimes messing with his guards. Most of them tried to ignore me, but soon I had more information than needed about each one. It came in handy whenever I wanted to blackmail them into listening to me during my visits._

_A few weeks in, I also met Akabayashi. The man was a vibrant contrast to Shiki, and unlike the him, talked and joked around as if I was a familiar friend. It was another person who I was surprised to find myself in good standing with. He was friendly and confident, and taught me a lot about how to deal with Shiki. It was him that revealed to me, once they were sure I could be somewhat trusted, about what it was they actually did. It's not like that mattered, as it was kind of easy to pin point over the time I was spending there. Shady business wasn't so shady when you can eavesdrop on meetings from two rooms down the hall._

_But even with Akabayashi's zeal, I didn't really feel at home with the group until a year or so had passed in me going there. I was still unstable emotionally, and sometimes everything just became too much. The hate, the envy, the heart-ache... A hormonal teenager can only take so much before they completely lose it and start proverbially flipping tables. It was one of those days, when it happened. I'm not sure what came over me. I just broke. Of course, I didn't cry. I never did. In fact, I think I was smiling through the entirety of my little public mental break down. And Shiki, surprisingly enough, listened._

_I had just started talking about my school day. That's it, just something to combat the silence. I thought he wouldn't listen, anyway, but I wanted to get my frustrations off my chest. I didn't want to reveal anything. I kept calling Shizuo out for the bastard he was, I kept telling on how oblivious my brother was, and how stupid I thought the rest of the school could be. _

_Somehow, in the middle of it all, I confessed. I'm not sure if it was Shiki's unamused gaze that made me do it, or the fact that I trusted him more than I trusted almost any other adult in my life. Which is stupid, but keep in mind the amount of adults to rely on was rather miniscule back then. _

_I told him how much I wanted Shizuo, and how much I hated him for making me like him. I told him about the fights, about my dad and my sisters. Everything was out there in the open, but as a teenager, watching my words was no longer an option in my mind. I began to yell it all, and laugh at how stupid it was. That it was all some ridiculous high school drama fueled by misguided lust and misplaced emotions. I kept repeating how I shouldn't feel this much, I should get over it all, I was being stupid, I needed to stop._

_It wasn't until the end that I noticed his gaze had changed. What was once bored indifference was then something closer to cold amusement. I considered running, because wow, I really just told all my secrets to the freaking Yakuza. Just like that. I wondered if maybe Psyche's stupidity had rubbed off on me, or maybe I really had become suicidal or something because who even does that? My thoughts were a mess, I wanted to scream, but I just stood there frozen._

_He didn't really react at first. He just straightened the papers on his desk and closed his laptop. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but it was not the offer of him to teach me how to keep my mouth shut. Or in essence, that's what it was. He began rattling on about how irrational I was, even with my age. About how idiotic it was to show, so plainly, the things going on through my head to someone who amounted as a complete stranger._

_He told me that having emotions isn't the crime, it's letting them take control of you that was destructive. He said my mother should have taught me that, for she was a master at such things. She handled her problems calmly, only summoning up such reactions when it would benefit her to do so._

_It was the most I ever heard him talk, and the only time I can recall him showing even the slightest hint of affection, if that's what you would call it. It was suddenly like he had become my father, an actual one, and he was lecturing me. _

_He then gave me advice on the matter. He said that I shouldn't let my feelings towards Shizuo run my life, and that I shouldn't let my brother outshine me so easily. He kept telling me how I was a talented kid with too much potential to be wasting away in shitty teen drama. _

_Those words were more inspiring then I knew, and soon that's how I began to live. Everything was a lot easier then, and I became a much happier, and smarter, human being. Sure, I still fought pointlessly with Shizuo, and I still yearned to take my brother's place in his affections, but I became a little bit stronger as I spent more and more time with both Shiki and Akabayashi, because, as cliché as it sounds, it was a lot better getting advice from adults for once, who even I know have lived through those situations at least once in their lives._

* * *

><p>Shiki stared at me after revealing the events for the day. He shook his head and tapped away at his laptop.<p>

"I thought you were smarter then that, kid." He said calmly. "Did you ever consider that your dim-witted brother might have some sort of romantic attraction to you? The child is strange, and obsessive. I wouldn't put it past him."

He didn't say anything after that, and I continued to lounge around and think. Of course the option has been running through my head all afternoon, but I wanted a second opinion. And not that I had it, I wasn't completely sure what to do with the situation.

I knew that I would probably have to bring it up with Psyche. I also knew that I could use such feelings as an advantage on my own part. After all, what better way of getting under Shizuo's skin then to take what was most precious to him? I smiled slowly at the idea. Of course, that was the only way to handle things.

Without a word, I walked out of Shiki's office. The guards barely glanced at me on my way out, and as I opened the door, I was only a little surprised to see that it was so late. The sun was setting, And the streets were being crowded with even more of Ikebukuro's filth. I began making my way home, when I felt a slight vibration coming from my pocket.

I took out my phone and stared at the screen. It was just another message from the Dollars. I opened the file, saw that it was a picture, and then decided that it couldn't hurt to give it a look.

So I viewed the picture, and I felt half the city doing the same. There was a woman across the street who had noticed me after staring at her own phone, her eyes wide as they bore into mine. She wasn't the only one. Psyche and I were legends, and anyone who is a member of the Dollars must have been wondering what was going on. I smiled, then, because this new development was maybe what I was looking for. Sure, let everyone in this city know about our little thing, whatever that thing was. It made things interesting, and maybe pushed my own intentions to the side of fucking with everyone's heads. I'd take their little angel away, and watch as they squirm when I did it.

I was about to go home when I heard it. An enraged yell coming from just down the street. My grin widened. Shizuo would find me soon, so I better get running.


End file.
